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Pastimes : FLAME THREAD - Post all obnoxious/derogatory comments here -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/12/1999 8:23:00 AM
From: Mr.Manners	Respond to of 12754

A likely story. You were spotted with the dribble of beans dripping down your tie for several days before playing the butt trumpet melody that almost killed your co-worker. Plus you have been known to carry matches, though you don't smoke; and have been known to light them "for no reason" whenever confined in small rooms like elevators, or truck cabs. Also, not being a health nut you have also been witnessed gobbling handfuls of Vitamin C, along with a nightly snack of prunes. Best just to admit the guilt, and do away with the blue flame 'specials.'

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/12/1999 5:13:00 PM
From: Mr.Manners	Respond to of 12754

DSGumby At It Again:Police Capture Drug Dealing Monkeys DHAKA (Rooters) - Bangladeshi police said Monday they had captured two monkeys trained to deliver drugs to addicts in the capital Dhaka. And that behind the scheme was the evil DSGumby, aka Habib. The monkeys were captured Sunday in Dhaka's Sabujbagh area and placed in the zoo after an anonymous caller said drug dealers had been using the monkeys to carry drugs to buyers and collect their money, a policeman said. He said the monkeys named Nasty and Habib 2 -- were trained to perform the unique job, and police were investigating to see if other drug dealers were also using monkeys. ''Using monkeys in the illegal trade has been detected for the first time and we are exploring if there are more such cases,'' police officer Ali bin Al Salad said. Police said they could not arrest the drug sellers yet but had seized a huge quantity of bottled phensidyl, a syrupy liquid that contains codeine, which relaxes the nerves and causes sleepiness. Police said phensidyl was mostly smuggled into Bangladesh from India and was widely used by addicts who could not afford costlier alcohol and drugs like heroin or cocaine. They blamed the machinations of DSGumby. "Oh that Gumby-devil, he laugh at our holy men, he fart on poor bent-over poor people, and he try to use all the hands of Kali." ''Taking phensidyl as a substitute drug has been rampant in the country,'' an official with the narcotics department said. The sale and use of alcohol and drugs in any form, except for medical purposes, is banned in Muslim Bangladesh, but police said there were about 100,000 addicts in Dhaka alone. They said that outside of this the plan was working very well.

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/12/1999 6:54:00 PM
From: Mr.Manners	Respond to of 12754

DSGumby Hides Out in His Barbershop absurdgallery.com when not operating his self-serve business: absurdgallery.com

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/13/1999 9:15:00 AM
From: Mr.Manners	Respond to of 12754

Man Marries Two Cows FUD, Minnesota - Farmer DSGumby has once again gone against the grain. The rebellious 41 year old crop farmer and groundhog connoisseur has bucked the system once more and yesterday was married by the local Justice of the Peace to his two prize cows, Elsie (brown) and Lilly Pitunia (white). State law forbids marriage to anything but another human being or chimpanzee, but, in this particular situation, the magistrate permitted the union. Magistrate NN (Nasty Nathanc )Gumby, who is a half brother of groom DSGumby proclaimed Elsie, Lilly Pitunia and DSGumby man and wives before the ceremony held in the Big East barn on Damsters 1,200 acre farm southwest of Minneapolis. No one attended the wedding but the two men and the two cows. Nasty stated “state law is overridden in this particular case. He's my brother, and I know how good Elsie can be. I shacked up with her, and well, for that matter Lilly Pitunia too, several weeks ago. They both know how to put a groove on you! Once you been in one of those mid western girls you ain't going back to nothing else.” DSGumby was all elated and overcome with joy on his first day of marriage. “Two big heifers all to myself, all the groundhogs I can eat, lots of open spaces and a brother in the legal field.... what more could anyone ask for!?” Gumby and Nasty Nathanc have not been seen since the marriage, but a lot of noise has been reported coming from the Big East barn. Police have been summoned to the farm but will not approach the property because so many groundhogs are roaming that property. Police stated that Magistrate NN ( Nasty Nathanc ) Gumby is officially “unaccounted for” in his district and if he does not report his whereabouts to the county officials by Wednesday he will be dismissed as a member of the court. All phone calls to farmer DSGumby's TBird littered hovel have gone unanswered.

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/13/1999 5:33:00 PM
From: Mr.Manners	Respond to of 12754

DSGumby Explains His Marriage Philosophy WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop.

To: Alan Smithee who wrote (7238)	7/14/1999 4:53:00 PM
From: Mr.Manners	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 12754

DSGumby admits stealing rare parrot from New York zoo NEW YORK (Rooters) - An aspiring human being pleaded guilty to stealing a rare parrot worth $20,000 from the Central Park Zoo in December 1998 because it was ''very friendly.'' The bird, which was being treated with antibiotics when it was stolen, died within days of being recovered by police. DSGumby admitted on Tuesday to stealing the 6-year-old female thick-billed parrot from a cage in a restricted area of the zoo's Wildlife Center Dec. 17. After keeping the bright green bird for a few days, he said he decided to sell it to a handicapped person because he could not give it ''enough love.'' ''I thought truly loving people who were handicapped could care for this animal and give it more love than people gawking at it in the zoo,'' Gumby explained to Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Carol Berkman. But the handicapped person he chose to give it to, Nasty Nathanc, thought it looked a little too much like his wife, especially the beak; and had decided to cook it 'real slow like' but Gumby got it back. He chose to kidnap the bird because it was friendly, he said. The parrot was receiving antibiotics for a respiratory infection when it was kidnapped, officials said. Gumby was trying to sell the parrot for $5.00 when it was recovered on Jan. 27. It died Feb. 1. The parrot, one of only 300 in captivity, was on loan from the Sacramento, California, zoo for a breeding program. Berkman said Gumby would get five years probation when he is sentenced Sept. 8.