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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:29:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Laboratory Tests ----------------- Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished. 1st Child: Why are you crying now? 2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:33:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Smoking A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:42:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that in-bred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me." Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,you're drunk!"

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1247)	7/20/1999 10:49:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

The Six Foot Cockroach A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach punches him between the eyes and takes off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when again, the doorbell rings. He answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him and runs away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. He stupidly opens the door, and surprise! The cockroach is there yet again. It knocks him down, leaps on him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and dial 911 before passing out. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's vicious attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor nods with deep compassion, thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."