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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1314)	7/26/1999 11:37:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe... I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese... I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts... I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west... I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears... I won't spend hours deciding what to wear... I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair... And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction... I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly... I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing... I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring... I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back... I don't carry our differences into the sack... I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you... I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too... I know what the time is and I know what to do... And I honestly think it is a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee... I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball... It's more fun than dealing with women after all... I won't cry if you say it's not going to work... I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk... Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure... I won't assume it's permanent by any measure... Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see... I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery... I don't get all bitchy every 28 days... I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise... I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true... I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! ******** And now it's time for a rebuttal I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am... I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam... I don't brag to my buddies about my erections... I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions... I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown... And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt... My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut... And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch... I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind... I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing... I don't have body hair like shag carpeting... It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back... When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack... And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb... I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome... Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side... I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think it's a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee... I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball... I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal... I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band... Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.. Forget all about that old penis envy... I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks... Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick... I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true... I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1314)	7/28/1999 9:46:00 AM
From: Susie924	Respond to of 2380

We'll Be Fine! The hurricane blew in hard across the Caribbean. Soon, the expensive yacht was swamped by high waves, rapidly sinking without a trace. Only the boat's owner Dr. Simon Epstein its steward, Lenny, survived. Strong swimmers, both made it to a nearby island. Recovering from his ordeal at sea, Epstein was surprised to see his steward crying and very upset, sure that they would never be found. "Dr. Epstein", sobbed Lenny, "How can you be so calm? We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here." Epstein smiled and assured Lenny, "We'll be fine! Sit down and listen to what I have to say" began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $750,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, two years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business did really well again, so the two charities each got a million dollars each." "So what already? How's that help us now?" wailed Lenny. "Very simply, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find us, Lenny," smiled Dr. Epstein. "We'll be fine"

To: Katt-000 who wrote (1314)	7/28/1999 9:48:00 AM
From: Susie924	Respond to of 2380

Another blonde joke! Hot's Hot & Cold's Cold A striking blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?" The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos." Still curious, the blond asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk. So she buys one.... The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny thingy?" She replies with authority, "It's a thermos." "Oh," says he, "And what's it do?" "Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."