Da ting just fell out a da truck.............................
cableworld.com
Hook Dis' Box Up and Get Free HBO
Cable theft is a low cost high-profit business
It's amazing what comes in my mail. Of course, most of it is discreetly wrapped in plain brown paper.
I got a package from a company called Screenplay Systems Inc., containing "Hollywood Screenwriter" software and inviting me to try it out. Boy, did that mailing hit the right writer. I'm not just the technology editor of Cable World Magazine, you know, I have dreams and aspirations. If drivel like Dances with Wolves can win an Academy Award, think what a taut four-hour drama about dense wave division multiplexing would do.
Anyway, I figure I've got the hang of this scripting thing so I developed an episode for HBO's hit series, The Sopranos, that I based on my research into cable theft.
The show opens as Tony Soprano's nephew Christopher, with some inside help, knocks off a cable company warehouse and makes off with a bunch of cable boxes. We pick up the action with Christopher calling to report his coup.
SCENE 11
EXTERIOR. PAY PHONE IN DUSTY PARKING LOT. TRACTOR TRAILER IN BACKGROUND.
ZOOM TO CHRISTOPHER ON PHONE
Yo, Tone, I and the guys made a hit. You gotta get out here and see what we got. You ain't gonna believe it.
INTERIOR. BODDA BING CLUB. GRINDING MUSIC blaring. TOPLESS DANCERS GYRATING ON STAGE. CAMERA ZOOMS TO TONY SOPRANO ON PHONE AT BAR NEAR DRINK AND BURNING CIGAR.
TONY
I taut I told you never to call me here!
CHRISTOPHER
"T" man, we hit Cable World Cable TV's warehouse and we got a buncha them cable boxes. Paulie sez these (expletive deleted for family publication) boxes is da real ting and da cops'll never figure it out 'cause they got serial nummers an' everytin. He sez we can sell 'm for 500 (expletive) bucks onna Internet.
TONY (Wary of nearby bartender)
Whoa! I better get out there and see what youse got before youse doin' any computer (expletive). What the (expletive) do you know about the Internet? You ain't even been to college
CHRISTOPHER
(Sweats, swats at New Jersey mosquitoes, grimaces)
Aw (expletive) man. This stuff's quality. Get out here fast, I don't know whether these things is need to be air conditioned or not.
SCENE 12
EXTERIOR. PARKING LOT. TONY ARRIVES IN SPORTS UTILITY VEHICLE, SPINNING GRAVEL AND DUST. CAMERA FOLLOWS AS HE LEAVES TRUCK AND WALKS PURPOSEFULLY TO TRAILER. HE LOOKS INSIDE, SMILES, REACHES IN AND GRABS AN ARMLOAD OF BOXES AND CARRIES THEM BACK TO THE SUV, CLIMBS IN AND LEAVES IN SWIRLING DUST AND GRAVEL CLOUD. CHRISTOPHER, STANDING BY TRAILER, SMILES , THEN CLIMBS IN AND STARTS UNLOADING THE BOXES.
SCENE 13
INTERIOR. "RETIREMENT COMMUNITY" APARTMENT OF TONY SOPRANO'S MOTHER, LIVIA. TONY CARRIES A BOX MARKED "CABLE WORLD CABLE TV."
TONY (grunting, uses switchblade to slit cardboard box)
Yo ma, look what I got fer ya (showing off cable box). Now ya can watch 500 channels for free. You can even watch that HBO gangster show.
LIVIA
Ahhhhhhhh! I don't like cable TV. I don't wanna watch no HBO. There's too much cussing and violence.
TONY (muttering)
Ma, ya know ya like to watch cable. Yer always tellin' me about those pro wrestlers and (expletive) yer watchin'.
LIVIA
It's only because I have to live in this nursing home with all these old people. (gesturing at her surroundings.) I wouldn't be watching none a that stuff otherwise.
TONY (eyes to ceiling)
Ma, it ain't no nursing home. It's a retirement community.
(under his breath)
Four thousand bucks a month I'm payin' to put her here. She couldn't maybe take a hot cable box and cut that big (expletive) cable bill every month? Bidness ain't been so good lately.
(to Livia)
OK, Ma. I'm just gonna hook this up. Maybe some of the other nice people might wanna watch Showtime.
LIVIA
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, do what you like. You will anyway. You was always like that - shovin' things down my throat on accounta you got them free. If only your father was alive! He'da known I want a satellite dish, not this cable junk.
TONY (walking to door)
Ya know, ma, it wooden kill ya to be nice once in awhile. I brung you this thing and all ya do is complain.
TONY EXITS
With credit to the show's excellent writing crew, The Sopranos is pretty real. And, while this script won't impress the show's honchos, it's closer to a potential plot than you might think. The mob, organized crime, whatever you want to call it, is into cable theft. Cable boxes, it seems "fall off trucks," or, as one cable cop told me, "It's a low-cost high-profit business. It's a natural." It's frightening to think that cable TV might rank up there with the world's oldest profession and cocaine. It's also a little flattering. So, the next time you see an electronics magazine ad, or read an e-mail, or even visit a flea market booth, think about who put that stuff there. That old flea market guy in the greasy shirt could be connected.
(July 26, 1999)
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