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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1324)	7/28/1999 4:23:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

The V.I.P. The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope proceeded to hop on 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he got to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, said "Just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief "I've got a VERY important person pulled over and I need to know what you want me to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." The chief replied, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied, "No, even more important." "It isn't the President is it?" "No, more important," replied the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!" screamed the chief. "I don't know, Clancy" said the trooper. "but whoever he is, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1324)	7/28/1999 4:29:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

"Gas Service" Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1324)	7/28/1999 4:30:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE MARRIED TO A COP 10. When an argument starts.....he calls for backup. 9. Refers to the bedroom as, "The Pokey." 8. Calls passing gas the, "silent alarm." 7. Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie. 6. Lots of references to the, "old night stick." 5. Never hear him say, "Oh man.....not donuts again!" 4. Refers to his winkie as the, "Breathalyzer" 3. Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going. 2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore. 1. Yes, that is a gun in his pocket!!!!!

To: Susie924 who wrote (1324)	7/28/1999 4:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

UNFORGETTABLE WEDDING RECEPTION If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said Fuck You, he turned to the bride and said Fuck You, and then said I'm out of here. He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc. This is his world, we just live in it.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1324)	7/28/1999 4:43:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Yuck ----- A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers." He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case." The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"