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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1336)	7/30/1999 10:32:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

RE: LETTER TO REDNECK SON Dear Redneck Son: I'M WRITING THIS LETTER SLOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN'T READ FAST. WE DON'T LIVE WHERE WE DID WHEN YOU LEFT HOME. YOUR DAD READ IN THE NEWSPAPER THAT MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WITHIN 20 MILES FROM YOUR HOME, SO WE MOVED. I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEND YOU THE ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST ARKANSAS FAMILY THAT LIVED HERE TOOK THE HOUSE NUMBERS WHEN THEY MOVED SO THAT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR ADDRESS. THIS PLACE IS REALLY NICE. IT EVEN HAS A WASHING MACHINE. I'M NOT SURE IT WORKS SO WELL THOUGH: LAST WEEK I PUT A LOAD IN AND PULLED THE CHAIN AND HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE. THE WEATHER ISN'T BAD HERE. IT ONLY RAINED TWICE LAST WEEK; THE FIRST TIME FOR THREE DAYS AND THE SECOND TIME FOR FOUR DAYS. ABOUT THAT COAT YOU WANTED ME TO SEND YOU, YOUR UNCLE STANLEY SAID IT WOULD BE TOO HEAVY TO SEND IN THE MAIL WITH THE BUTTONS ON, SO WE CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM IN THE POCKETS. JOHN LOCKED HIS KEYS IN THE CAR YESTERDAY, WE WERE REALLY WORRIED BECAUSE IT TOOK HIM TWO HOURS TO GET ME AND YOUR FATHER OUT. YOUR SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNING; BUT I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT WHAT IT IS YET SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR AN AUNT OR AN UNCLE. THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER..... UNCLE TED FELL IN A WHISKEY VAT LAST WEEK. SOME MEN TRIED TO PULL HIM OUT, BUT HE FOUGHT THEM OFF PLAYFULLY AND DROWNED. WE HAD HIM CREMATED AND HE BURNED FOR THREE DAYS. THREE OF YOUR FRIENDS WENT OFF A BRIDGE IN A PICKUP TRUCK. RALPH WAS DRIVING. HE ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW AND SWAM TO SAFETY. YOUR OTHER TWO FRIENDS WERE IN BACK. THEY DROWNED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T GET THE TAILGATE DOWN. THERE ISN'T MUCH MORE NEWS AT THIS TIME. NOTHING MUCH HAS HAPPENED. LOVE, AUNT MOM PS I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU SOME MONEY BUT THE ENVELOPE WAS ALREADY SEALED.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1336)	7/30/1999 10:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

More Random Thoughts If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? If you take Oriental people and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," then why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1336)	7/30/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2380

Subject: oops! Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mammy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mammy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"