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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/14/1999 8:30:00 PM
From: Susie924	Respond to of 2380

Hey Mitch! much too quiet here.....I guess nobody has read your post yet! LOL The funniest thing I've heard in a long time! Susie

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/14/1999 11:21:00 PM
From: Boyd Zander	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Thats Petty F'n Funny Mitch, You're F'n all right. What the F'n hell. I'm going to use that word more F'n often. Come F'n Monday, I'm F'n gonna make sure all the F'n folks at work are gonna be F'n wonderin whats the F with F'n Boyd. He sure is more F'n colorfull. He really knows how to use that F word. On a more serious note. I used to work witha guy who was in the Navy researves. He'd go off and drive a ship or something and sure enuff, when He gets back he'd use that F word even where you wouldn't expect it could be used. It'd take awhile till he acclimated himself back to the normal corporate work atmosphere. Was kinda humorous for us less sensitive types. Boyd

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:31:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

What Pentagon officials say - And what they really mean: Essentially Complete It's half done Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ. Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes. Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle... Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us. Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions. Task force to review: 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it; nobody has a clue. Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer: "Not well defined at this time...: Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control! Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:32:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:33:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

"Strange" A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Wise King Solomon (a twist on the parable) ================================== Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence. "My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:41:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this Pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" Taylor continued, "He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin! Damn... is it midnight already?'"

To: chapin who wrote (1437)	8/18/1999 2:49:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2380

More Back to School Science You Won't Believe... The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes,tests, and essays. Enjoy... "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. " "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "To prevent contraception, use a condominium."