Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 10:13:00 AM
From: FREAKAZOID	Respond to of 2380

Vision21 aka "Slick Willy" was thinking for happy hour this weekend we should grab the crew and go to the NASCAR race. Most of you guy's and gals live up east and a Redneck weekend just might show you how life is meant to be. So leave your suit, ties and City Slicker talkin at the door, we gonna hang out with the Good Ol' Boys this Weekend. Let's Get it on!! Freak!!

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 12:56:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

My score makes me older than dirt. :=)) How many do you remember? 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! If you can add something that was not on the list, you are dirt!

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 12:59:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

The Resourceful Blonde It was a hot and humid August afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Blonde and beautiful and resourceful, Susie had decided to repaint her kitchen herself instead of hiring a professional. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold drinks and some sandwiches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard, painting the kitchen walls. To my utter amazement, instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. There was the explanation for me in black and white. It said..."For best results, put on two coats."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:05:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A Really Speedy Cyclist! So this guy decided that he was going to ride a 15 speed mountain bike from Flagstaff to Phoenix. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains did him in and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after an hour, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a lady in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The lady owner of the Corvette happened to have a coil of rope in the car and tied one end to her bumper, the other to the bike and told the our optomistic cyclist that if she got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that she would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 45 miles. Suddenly, another 'Vette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had not one, but 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And Louie, you're not gonna to believe this, but there's guy on a bike honking to pass".

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:07:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

BIRDS AND THE BEES: Little Johnny's father called him one day and said: "Son, It's time to tell you about the birds and the bees." Johnny started crying, putting his hands over his ears, he screamed: "Don't tell me! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!" His dad looked at him curiously and asked why? Johnny said: "When I was 6, I found out there was no Easter Bunny. When I was 8, I found out there was no Tooth fairy, when I was 10, I found out there was no Santa Claus......... and if you tell me now that grown-ups don't screw, I have nothing to look forward to!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:14:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Seeing Eye Dog I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this ...all the people in the gate area came to a quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:22:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

The "gas grill" A couple had been married 20 years or so. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!" The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "Surely you don't think that I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:26:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Sunday Service One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked..."Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque...Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:29:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:32:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Love, Lust, Marriage LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love". LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing". MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around. MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see each other. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see each other. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see each other. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk. LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex. MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts. LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Chocolate. MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:33:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis Van Lesbian." "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it." "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" . . . . . . "Dick Van Dyke.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: ----------------------------------------- Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 ----------------------------------------- Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am." The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1522)	8/26/1999 1:48:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

The "New" Classics In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are some of the "new" classics: - I never inhaled. - I never watch television except PBS. - Don't worry -- we'll be putting out the Y2K upgrade next week. - I did not have sex with that woman. - I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman. - The engine is supposed to make that noise. - Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it. - I am married, but we're getting a divorce. - Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on "empty." - Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone. - I've never done anything like this before. - It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. - You get this one and I'll pay next time.