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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1542)	8/28/1999 12:41:00 AM
From: Zbyte	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Here is some interesting trivia. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you pass air consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (That one's intuitively easy to understand, isn't it! The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (And you thought those Monty Python guys didn't do any fact checking!) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pigs?!) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm.....) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. (Moral: Always be willing to pay extra for good champagne. Cheap champagne is not worth the risk) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (Doh!) In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (How did they do that?) Polar bears are left handed. (Which means they live, on average, 9 years less) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. (Are our palates just not sophisticated enough to appreciate the complex taste of pond scum?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home.. what the...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Yeah, baby!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Shit) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains. After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1542)	8/29/1999 11:36:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

>Subject: A friend sent this.....interesting > >CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS > > > My son came home from school one day > with a silly grin on his face, > He thought he was smarter than me, his mom, > and he thought he could put me in my place. > > HE SAID: > Guess what I learned in Civics Two > that's taught by Mr. Wright, > It's about the laws of the land, today, > it's called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS. > > IT SAYS: > That I don't have to clean my room, > I don't even have to cut my hair, > Nobody can tell me what I can eat > or choose the clothes I wear. > > IT SAID: > Freedom of speech is my constitutional guarantee, > and it's my choice of what I read, or what I watch on T.V. > I have the freedom of religion, and regardless of what you say, > I don't have to ask your God for help-I don't have to pray. > > IT SAID: > I can wear an earring in my ear, > and if I want to-I can pierce my nose, > It's my choice if I so desire, > to tattoo Satan's numbers-across my toes. > > Hey, if ever again you try to spank me, > I will charge you with the crime, > And I can back up all my charges, > with the marks on my behind. > > HE SAID, NOW: > Don't ever touch my body again, > this body of mine is for me to use, > And not for your hugs and kisses and stuff, > that's just another form of child abuse. > > HE CONTINUED WITH: > And stop trying to fill my head with morals, > like your mama did to you, > Things like that are called mind control, > and that's illegal too! > > Mom, I have these children's rights, > you can't do a thing to me, > I can call the children's services, > better known as C.S.D. > > MY TURN! > My very first impression was, > to toss this boy right out the door, > But here was a chance to teach him a lesson, > for once and for ever more. > > I took my time and mulled it over, > but something like this I couldn't let go, > This kid of mine didn't realize, > that he was messing with a pro! > > AND AWAY WE GO! > The next day we went shopping, > very much to his dismay, > I didn't buy him 501s > or shirts designed by Nike. > > I had called and talked to the C.S.D., > they said that they didn't really care, > If I bought him Volume shoes, > or a pair of Nike Airs. > > AND THEN: > I canceled his appointment with DMV, > so he could test his driving SKILLS, > I'd probably be dead by now for sure, > if only looks could kill! > > I SAID: > By-the-way, I don't have time to stop and eat, > or pick up stuff for you to munch, > I think you should follow C.S.D.'s advice, > and make yourself a big sack lunch. > > So, you say what? That you're not hungry, > that you can wait til dinner time? > Well, I am fixing liver and onions, > cause that's a favorite dish of mine. > > Can we stop to get a movie, > so you can watch it on the VCR? > Goodness no! I sold what was your T.V., > and bought four new tires for my car. > > I also rented out your room, > sorry, you really don't need a bed, > All I really have to do for you, > is put a roof over your head. > > As long as I have to buy your clothes, > and the food that you must eat, > The money I gave you for an allowance, > is going to buy me something neat. > > No more eating after we shop, > no more joking along the way, > Son, I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS, > that goes into effect today. > > What's the matter, why are you crying? > What are you doing down on your knees? > Why are you asking God to help you, > instead of C.S.D.? > > > Author Unknown

To: Susie924 who wrote (1542)	8/29/1999 11:51:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: FW: 99 Darwin Awards Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test-fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF-- HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns. CATCH A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. RUNNER UP A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1542)	8/29/1999 11:52:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy... Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....True story. April 1998 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love, Brian