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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1565)	9/3/1999 1:32:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows. 9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl. 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door. 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce. 6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom. 5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan. 4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork. 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying. 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice. And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is... 1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1565)	9/3/1999 1:41:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

These have been around for a while, but still are a good laugh... Actual Accident Summaries The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. --- Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. --- I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. --- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. --- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. --- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. --- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. --- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. --- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. --- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. --- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. --- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. --- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. --- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. --- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. --- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. --- I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. --- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. --- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1565)	9/3/1999 1:42:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled: E-I-E-I-O."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1565)	9/3/1999 1:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1565)	9/3/1999 1:46:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board."