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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karin who wrote (2413)	9/8/1999 11:45:00 AM
From: aknahow	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

From a friend of a friend. Thanks Vita. . What do you call a handcuffed man?............Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? ............You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?............Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women?............Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers?...........They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when a man is well hung?............When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?............We cook-they eat; clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach?............By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?............Make him wear shoes. How does a man show he's planning for the future?............He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?............All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?............ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man?............I can do so much better What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?...........Any place without a drive-up window. What do you call a man with half a brain?............Gifted. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?............Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything?............A woman to show him how to work it. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?....Telling you his real name. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?............Put the remote control between his toe. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?...........Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say?............"My wife says..." Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?.....So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman?............Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?............To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?............To keep them from grazing. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?.......Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?............Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?............When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?.. ..........When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

To: Karin who wrote (2413)	9/9/1999 1:57:00 PM
From: Karin	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

FACELIFT A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32", was the reply. "I'm actually 47", the man says happily. A little while later, he goes to a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The man replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now he's really feeling good about himself. While waiting for the bus home, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a man was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your pants. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the man and he finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." She slips both hands down his pants and begins feeling around. After a couple minutes of this activity he says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" She removes her hands and says,"You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was amazing, how did you know?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's"