(hey bill, you're mentioned towards the end of this article)
FOX PREDICTION STUNS WALL STREET: DOW 300 MILLION!
by Amanda Plummer Cauld
NEW YORK, NY (Sept. 6) - Reynard V. Fox, respected CEO and Chief Investment Officer of the Henhouse Family of Funds, an $8 billion mutual fund conglomerate, upped the ante in the ongoing Dow Sweepstakes by boldly predicting Dow 300 million in the Millennial Year 2000. Informed observers expressed nearly universal agreement that Fox's unexectedly bold prognostication will not likely be surpassed, if initial reactions give any reliable indication.
THE FOX PROPOSAL
"That's right," Fox beamed, confirming the uniquely enormous number. "Mine's the biggest of them all." Details of his radical proposal began leaking out after unsubstantiated rumors swept the Street three days ago. The basis for this unprecedented vision is, in his words, "a Dow point for every 'Murrican citizen," with a little something extra--call it an incentive--for permanent resident immigrants who qualify." He hastened to add that an as yet undetermined 'contingency' kitty be set aside for meeting national security objectives, foreign aid allotments, and forex intervention reserves. Still, in his plan, no adjustment has yet been factored in to bolster the Social Security Trust Fund, but--according to Fox, "that is just an incidental formality, and there's plenty of room for negotiation."
Fox waxed eloquent in enumerating the ramifications of his "vision" for the future--'vision' being the operative word. "There are 300,000,000 reasons why this goal must not be allowed to fail," he pointed out. "I have a dre... uh, VISION, where little rich children and little poor children can march together with their respective Dow points hand in hand, arm in arm, to their respective private or public schools, as the case may be. I see a day--and a night, too--where we enter an era of eternal prosperity for everyone, and avail myself of this Labor Day weekend to announce that, READ...MY...LIPS: no one--NO ONE--in America will ever again be forced to work a job they don't want. Achieving this goal signals the END of honest labor as we know it."
BACKGROUND
The Sweepstakes began in earnest when James K. Glassman and Kevin A. Hassett, aptly-named 'Dow Duo' of the prestigious American Enterprise Institute, announced a target value of Dow 36,000 in their landmark March 17 Wall Street Journal article, "Stock Prices Are Still Far Too Low," in conjunction with a forthcoming book, "Dow 36,000," to be published this fall by Times Books. In a similar vein, the famed author and market prognosticator Harry Dent, rather than going out on a limb to specify a fixed target, simply matched this estimate with a fuzzy range of Dow 35-40,000.
Charles Kadlec then raised the stakes in a book of his own, "Dow 100,000," and the race was on--including the rumored, but unattributed, ballpark figure of Dow 1,000,000 to be reached between the years 2006 and 2010. But the Fox proposal promises far more, far sooner.
MARKET REACTION
The Fox statement was roundly greeted by Street Bulls as an essentially positive development. On anticipation, the Dow rallied another 523.98 points within minutes of word hitting the Exchange floor, before easing back a negligible 0.57. "No one can top this," said ubiquitous respected market booster Joe Battapaglia, of Gruntal & Co. "His is bigger than all the rest of ours put together. I'm genuinely happy for Rennie, he deserves this."
"I'm out," admitted a visibly dejected, but respected, Ralph Acampora of Prudential Securities, folding as he conceded to the inevitable. "I can't match Rennie's and still retain any shred of credibility. "The Street owes him a debt, a very huge debt."
"This is a bold stroke," chimed popular and respected CNBC guest star Lawrence Kudlow, seemingly at an unaccustomed loss for words. "A stroke," he said, repeatedly. "A stroke. A stroke..." Visibly shaken, Kudlow was subsequently admitted to Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital for observation, where he remains overnight.
When asked for her assessment, the usually garrulous and respected cheerleader Abby Joseph Cohen of Goldman, Sachs & Company sniffed, "I'm not in THAT competition, it's strictly a boys' thing. Let's just say I'm happy for Rennie," she added. "He's worked hard for this."
But relative newcomer Liz Ann Sonders, of Campbell Cowperthwait/U.S. Trust, tossed caution to the wind, praising Fox's vaunted prowess: "Rennie's on a roll in this town, for sure." Unidentified sources stirred speculation that Sonders poses a formidable threat to Abby's long-standing ascendancy as Wall Street's reigning Doyenne of Dow, following Elaine Garzarelli's sudden fall from grace at Lehman several years ago: "That Liz Ann, she's a real fox, absolutely! The Street loves her!" Named an Official Rukeyser Panelist last year, Sonders is reportedly in line to become the next 'Elf,' the most highly coveted title on Wall Street today.
In a late-breaking affirmation by StockMarketCycle pundits Peter Eliades, Charles Carolan, and Steve Puetz, Fox's estimate has conclusively eclipsed all others, coinciding within five days of a new moon, and conjuncting with a one-of-a-kind quintuple canine bicuspid formation in the Coal Sack, near the Southern Cross. "I'll admit, this is murky, and it may sound contradictory," Eliades noted, "but it definitely has teeth."
A lone contrarian opinion, that of William Fleckenstein, was registered, terming Fox "a dead whale." Fleckenstein's remark, as is customary, was totally ignored on the Street. And, while Bears generally remained in hibernation and unavailable for comment, CNBC has reportedly scheduled ##### W. #####, Portfolio Manager of the Prudent Bear Fund, to engage Fox Thursday afternoon in their popular weekly 'Market Wrap' Bull-Bear Debate.
HENHOUSE MARKETING PLANS REVEALED
"This represents a potentially blockbuster marketing opportunity for our Henhouse Fund Programs," Fox emphasized. "Since people won't have to work any more, they can ALL day trade to their hearts' content at our new chain of franchised Henhouse Day Trading Centers. AND, I might add, we plan to offer Dow Point Gift Certificates in time for the upcoming Holiday gift-giving season. Looking ahead to next year, we have in the works a Dow Point Registry, whereby you can name a Dow point after someone special and enter it forever in the Official Dow Point Registry Archives. Just like stars." Respected Henhouse functionary Henry Cabot 'Buster' Henhouse, III has been designated official 'pointman' of the Henhouse Dow Point Registry Program.
"And that's not all. I envision a National Dow Clock," Fox bubbled, "like the Census Bureau's Population Clock (http://www.census.gov/cgi-bin/popclock/), only better, and more important than some piddling national debt clock. Soon, people won't even care about those other things, like debts. They're obsolete, they just make people worry needlessly, and we don't need that anymore. This is truly a New Era. Happy days are here again. For everyone. Forever!"
POLITICAL FALLOUT
Not surprisingly to most political analysts, speculation reached a fevered pitch and rapidly spread to take center stage in the forthcoming Presidential race, with candidates scrambling to stake out viable positions on this major emerging issue. Understandably, party affiliations have blurred in this frenzied scramble to jump onto the Fox bandwagon.
On the Republican side, the position of front-runner W. remained partially obscured. While endorsing his own 'personal' support for Dow 300,000,000, W. reiterated his wholehearted commitment to decisive action to "carry out the will of the people, whatever it may happen to be." Initial reports reflected his claim of not having actually consumed any stocks within the past seven years. When pressed for further clarification, W. took pains to explain that, in economic matters, the word 'consume' means something entirely different than its everyday usage--a point verified by his recently-hired linguistic consultant, the renowned conservative columnist and philologist William Safire.
Later, flanked by popular minority entertainers Jose Feliciano and Stevie Wonder, W. repeated an earlier pledge that as President he would overcome "the soft bigotry of low expectations," and apply that philosophy to the equity markets. Subsequently, he appeared to stretch his claim of financial purity in patchwork fashion to include the past 25 years, citing participation in a 'blind trust,' except for his well-publicized interests in Harken Energy and the Texas Rangers. Still, as interpreted by knowledgeable analysts, W. tended to waffle on the 'blind trust' aspect, leaving what some termed 'an air of confusion,' and others 'wiggle room.'
Meanwhile, W.'s campaign committee announced they had raised another twenty-five million dollars this week.
Among other leading Republican candidates, Elizabeth Dole, former head of the American Red Cross and spouse of Kansas Bob, made a personal appearance on the steps of City Hall with Mayor Rudolph Giuliani to distribute sandwiches to passersby and demand that President Clinton declare Wall Street a disaster area in order to make federal funds available to supplement her efforts there. Giuliani used the occasion to taunt the Clintons, questioning their ability, in his words, "to even FIND Wall Street. Here's a hint, Hillary," he challenged, smirking in his trademark Yankees cap, "get a clue! It's in Noo Yawk!" And in Phoenix, Sen. John McCain--while refusing to take the so-called 'Dow Pledge' outright (see below), reiterated his support for the Dow, linking it to baseball, motherhood, and apple pie, as a basic American value.
In a movement that has apparently taken on strident overtones, seven lesser candidates rushed this morning to enhance their diminished credibility--and visibility--by jointly taking the Shermanesque 'Dow Pledge'--vowing their unqualified support of the Dow 300 million level, insisting upon inclusion of a 'pro-Dow' plank in the Year 2000 Republican National Platform. These include the irrepressible Pat B., former Nixon aide, TV personality and occasional McLaughlin panelist; dour Bauer, former head of the Christian Coalition; dark horse Allen Keyes; former national Spelling Bee vice-champion Danny Quayle; spendthrift Steve "My opinion can't be bought, but it can be sold" Forbes; Ohio Rep. John "Son of a humble postman" Kasich; and the ever-enigmatic New Hampshire Senate mossback, 'Smilin' Bob Smith, who may or may not still be a Republican. This Group of Seven--not to be confused with the G7 nations--was quickly dubbed "the Seven DOWarfs." In a hastily drafted manifesto, they declared, "We are unequivocally Pro-Dow. Dow 300,000,000 is God's will." Said Joe Kernan of CNBC's 'Squawk Box,' "Here we go, folks, roll out the penguins."
Some confusion arose in Democratic ranks as well, which surprised no one. Former Senator and Knicks basketball star Bill Bradley called the issue "a slam-dunk," but avoided further clarification, saying only that additional support for education on this issue should be a top national priority. Inside the Beltway, many eyebrows were raised as Vice President Al Gore struggled to amend a videotaped statement in which he confidently boasted of having "invented" the Dow. Gore advisors quickly mounted a damage-control effort, insisting that either he was misquoted or unintentionally misspoke; that the Vice President had intended, rather, to claim credit for the idea of placing the official 'National Dow Clock' in a prominent position on the Washington Mall between the Lincoln Memorial and the Reflecting Pool, where all Americans could suitably reflect upon its deeper meaning. "Near the deep end," Gore added later.
Self-styled Minnesota Governor Jesse 'the Brain' Ventura, still asserting his independence from both major political parties, entered the fray by offering to referee a nationally-televised free-for-all death-match debate at the Kennedy Center to settle the matter once and for all. He proposed that a diamond-studded gold 'Dow 300,000,000 victory belt' be awarded to the "last man, or woman, left standing." [For a related story on David 'the Brain' Faber's legal action against Ventura, alleging unlawful appropriation of intellectual property, see page D28.]
In a separate, but related, political incident, a minor altercation erupted between New York City policemen and federal Secret Service agents as the Presidential motorcade arrived in Midtown for the Clintons' noon luncheon fundraiser and Labor Day rally at the prestigious Sheraton Hotel on Seventh Avenue. President and Mrs. Clinton had reportedly been completing arrangements for their new Chappaqua home in nearby Westchester County. Informed sources claimed that the City's Finest, apparently acting on clandestine mayoral orders, had attempted to issue traffic citations for gridlock violations and blocked intersections.
All in all, this latest chapter in the nation's growing investment mania seems to know no bounds. And rightly so. Since Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan's much-bandied "irrational exuberance" remark nearly three years ago, the Dow--with only minor, temporary interruptions--has merrily chugged ahead on its seemingly unstoppable way. One observer slyly offered Bill Gates' Personal Wealth Clock (http://www.webho.com/WealthClock) as the ultimate unreachable goal, though Fox, visibly annoyed, would say only, "We don't tilt at windmills."
"Is the sky the limit?" asks New York Times columnist Jonathan Fuerbringer on the front page of yesterday's Times Business Section. Or, perhaps, even the moon? Indeed, the ultimate answer may lie somewhat closer to home, as viewed from an entirely different perspective: perennial market observer Sardonic Bear was overheard to quip recently, "The moon they get ain't gonna be the one they expected!" |
