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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:29:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 4. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. 5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 7. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 8. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 9. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 10. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 11. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. 12. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 13. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. 14. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? 15. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn. 16. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:31:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: 42 Ponderable Quips (1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. (2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. (3) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. (4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (5) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. (6) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. (7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. (8) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. (9) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. (10) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! (11) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (12) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. (13) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. (14) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. (15) My kid had sex with your honor student. (16) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. (17) I'm just driving this way to piss you off. (18) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. (19) Keep honking, I'm reloading. (20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. (21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. (22) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep (23) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. (24) God must love stupid people, he made so many. (25) Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. (26) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. (27) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. (28) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. (29) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. (30) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. (31) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. (32) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. (33) We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. (34) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. (35) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. (36) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. (37) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. (38) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. (39) Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. (40) 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. (41) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? (42) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:36:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of f***ing talent."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Stumbling Drunk A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?" "Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thisssss key!" the man replies. About that time the officer looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH God....they got my girlfriend too!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1592)	9/9/1999 10:43:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?" "No," said the other. "Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time." "Oh," said the third, "so, what happened." "Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first. "Yes?" said the second. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."