To: Ilaine who wrote (37553 ) 9/10/1999 2:13:00 AM From: E Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 71178
Cobe, I have been unable to come to SI the last couple of days, but I stumbled in on your post about your mother. I feel so bad about the things you suffered, Cobe. My mother, and my grandparents, who were worse to my mother than she was to my sister and me, were German. There is this awful thing about Germans and their children that I have observed [disclaimer: Some Germans! IMO! I could be wrong! I took no scientific survey!] There is even a German word I used to know that means something like respect/fear or honor/fear or something like that, that means the ideal feeling children are supposed to have for their parents. I have a German friend, she married an American and moved here fifteen years ago,who is very disapproving of any behavior of young children that isn't "respectful." She would deny it, but we have a mutual friend with two young children whom she raises in the usual (for us) relaxed sort of way, with humor, and the children aren't the least bit afraid of her, of course, they laugh at her, and tease her, just normal, we think, you would think, but you can just feel EV stiffen. Once another woman was describing, affectionately, how her children "laughed at" their father (she was telling cute stories about a loving, funny father) and EV looked at her with horror. Children "laughing at" their father?! EV has no children of her own, I should mention. Lots of children of her husband's, six I think, she calls "my children," and a couple of little ones she calls, "my grandchildren," and although she has done a great deal for them (they are rich, she is a Martha Stewart type, everything perfect, and an architect and artist) including taking them to Europe, creating gorgeous Christmases, birthdays... still, they don't like her. She knows it, and is hurt and mystified. I dare say they honor/fear her, though. Cobe, who was the "pillar" that made you yourself, and not a broken thing? In the "Home For Dependent and Neglected Children" I've mentioned, I could always tell the children that had had SOMEBODY who was good to them, nurturant and reasonably consistent. A grandmother, a neighbor even. They are the ones you knew would survive and become functional adults. You could tell this when they were 3 or 4. Others you knew were already deeply sick, effectively destroyed at 3. [Edit. "Nurturant" is red. Is it misspelled? It is too late for looking things up.)