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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1630)	9/14/1999 9:30:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90's IF... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations. Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your layoff on the news. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Communication is something your section is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital." You're already late on the work task you just got. You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check. "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers". Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them. You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer. You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device. During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members. "Shopping" is something you do in the duty-free. You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes. You read this entire list and understood it.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1630)	9/14/1999 9:32:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Oxymoron Main Entry: ox·y·mo·ron Pronunciation: "äk-si-'mOr-"än, -'mor- Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural ox·y·mo·ra /-'mOr-&, -'mor-/ Etymology: Late Greek oxymOron, from neuter of oxymOros pointedly foolish, from Greek oxys sharp, keen + mOros foolish Date: 1657 a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness) - ox·y·mo·ron·ic /-m&-'rä-nik, -mo-/ adjective - ox·y·mo·ron·i·cal·ly /-ni-k(&-)lE/ adverb Here are 25... Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together British fashion Business ethics Childproof Exact estimate Found missing Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Military Intelligence New classic New York culture Resident alien Same difference Sanitary landfill Silent scream Small crowd Soft rock Software documentation Sweet sorrow

To: Susie924 who wrote (1630)	9/14/1999 3:46:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Subject:: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, well, maybe not the WHOLE truth... Actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ----------------- Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ---------------- Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ------------- Q: How old is your son - the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ------------------ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Kathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ------------------ Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. ------------------ Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ------------------ Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. ------------------ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ------------------- Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? -------------------- Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? -------------------- Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? ---------------------- Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? ---------------------- Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? --------------------- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ---------------------- Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ---------------------- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ------------------------- Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ------------------------- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --------------------------- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --------------------------- Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. ---------------------------- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.