Dear Byron,
thanks for worrying about my making money - if I never sell my SUNW - but I am trying out this new thing - called investing <g>
and for all you Java lovers - here is something that might put a smile on your face:
A Dissent on Starbucks, by Jackie Mason
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing,
but people will still pay ten times as much for it because there are foreign
words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents.
But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse:
$9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee
shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face.
Forty-million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream:
"Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why?
Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte... $4.50. You want cinnamon
in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the
cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon?
It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without
cinnamon: 60 cents, that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier: $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want
until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee,
you want more, you want more?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at
Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills,
$19.50. So, for four cups of coffee: $350.
And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about
it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, it's
from the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But
when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend.
It's a special bean from Argentina..." The bean is in your head!
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to
get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even
drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and
everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me... Then they
can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you
get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this
country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no
service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't
have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard
cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you
paid less. It's all the same as Starbucks: no chairs, no service, a
cardboard cup for your coffee -- except in Starbucks, the less you get, the
more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as
much.
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a
cookie in a regular coffee shop! You can tear down a building with that
cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have
to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put
butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in
Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 30 cents.
If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't
give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They
tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese?
Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk
around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's
here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked
around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash
register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on
tables for an hour, and you owe him money.
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They
don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you
have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up
Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up
the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new
type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll
charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables,
no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after
you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a
business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No,
you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with
it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard
sons-of-a-bitch! And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't
like to talk about people. |
