All of you coffee drinkers out there, enjoy a little rambling from
Jackie
Mason.
A Dissent on Starbucks by Jackie Mason
>
> Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that
> means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because
there
> are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee
> shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe
Cremier:
> > $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four
> dollars.
>
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go
> into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until
you're
> blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee
> shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's
> still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee."
> If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee?
Ask for
> cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you
want.
> Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same
> price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60
> cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's
Cinnamonnier
> $9.50.
>
> You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you
> all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when
you're
> 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start
begging
> you:
>
> "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you
> know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a
dollar
fifty.
> Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of
> coffee - $350.
>
> And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's
> be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you
call a
> cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the
> bottom of the pot.? But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say,
"Oh,
> it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special bean from
> Argentina....."
>
> The bean is in your head.
> And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have
> these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a
> chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are
> climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they
> get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12
people
> around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse
> me, excuse me, excuse me....."
>
> Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging
> Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
> Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods
> all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were
no
> waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a
tip.
> Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave
> coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less
for the
> coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
> It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a
> cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you
get,
> the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth
four
> times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie
in
> Starbucks? But a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down
a
> building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At
> Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that
> cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they
want
> extra.
>
> Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream
> cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put
> it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel
costs you
> $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They
> don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want
butter?
> It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here."
Now
> you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take
the
> cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream
> cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour
and
a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a
glass
> in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for ah
> hour, and you owe him money.
>
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're
finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become
the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews
are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too?
Wait,
> I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
> If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll
> open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead
of
> 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not
only
> that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll
> clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished."
> Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business
> ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No,
you
> would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away
with
> it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard
> son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I
> don't like to talk about people.
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