I found this on usenet:
The Clinton Mortgage Application
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan
Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and
Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
"So you want to buy the old Chappaqua place, 4-something acres, as I
recall. That's $2.2 million, and, with the customary 20 percent down --
that's $440,000 – that leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem.
We do these kinds of deals all the time. Now lets just have a look at
your financial statements.
"Let's see. Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States,
of course, and your salary is -- oh, dear -- $200,000 a year. We
usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than two-and-a-half
times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for
something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter
of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?
"And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What
will you do then? I see, you're going to open a library. In Little Rock,
Arkansas. Wow! I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.
"Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Let's see. Senators
are paid $130,000 a year -- assuming, of course, you're elected -- so
even with your pension, you should still be looking for a house in the
$825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the schools
aren't so good.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the home since 1991,
correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a
plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It
flopped, in other words.
"But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How
about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt.
And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too.
If you had gone to Yale Business School instead of Yale Law, you
could probably get your money back. Now, don't get upset. It was just a
little joke!
"A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business
partners went to jail? Maybe you could get your money back from them
too?
"This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we have to ask because
it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your
marriage? No? Really? Does either one of you read the newspaper? No?
Really?
Ooookaaaayyyy, fine...
"Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr.
Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But -
oh -- those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4
million in the hole.
How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate
to a special fund? So basically, you're relying on the charity of
strangers. I see.
"You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be
setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the
air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!
"And Mr. Clinton. There's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying
in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say,
now, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application?
Good point. It WOULD look a lot better if you were lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
"You say you're 'in the clear,' Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is
pretty much in the clear' indictment-wise. What does that mean? You
don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of
justice rap.
But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's the remote
possibility -- note that I say 'remote'- that Mrs. Clinton could be
trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an
hour stitching mailbags for the feds and he is trying to make a go of a
library in Little Rock.
"Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the
other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're
hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial
history that can only with great charity be described as 'checkered'
plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems.
Your only tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
"So, congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners.
You've got your mortgage!"
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