To: Crocodile who wrote (38425 ) 9/22/1999 4:49:00 PM From: Gauguin Read Replies (2) | Respond to of 71178
Oh god. Thank goodness that turned out well. I was creeping out. You know one of my other Fears? Whenever, let's see if I can describe this, whenever I see that gross and mindless herd mentality you described so well, I start to freak. It's like the sideways movements of fish herds. Schools. It's shifty and creepy and very, very frightening. It ONLY occurs in city situations. Period. That's why I DON'T GO THERE. I don't recall a single herd-ding incident in my little town here. I mean there must have been one, but it's pretty devoid of it. It's not just the herding and the playing for advantage against the rest, it's also the deeply pathetic necessity of it. They have to do it. It is inevitable, required for survival in a loose mass of the masses. "....a dozen mindless beasts who were intent on getting to the cafeteria ahead of the rest of the herd." This pathetic-ness, profoundly affects me. It makes me sad, cringy, hateful. The moment I see any evidence of it, which can be as subtle as people waiting at a light to cross in a crosswalk, or a body's position or language, I again begin to become nauseous and panicky. I've "come too close" to it then, like radiation in a lab. I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, or kidding, to anyone who isn't affected this way. But I'm talking serious mental effects ~ panic, nausea, agitation, aggression, and (uh-oh) depression. Like I fall into a state of uselessness, the uselessness of it all. Almost immediately. In the parking garage. In the boarding line. (Actually, MJ waits in the line and I sit somewhere away, with my eyes closed and my head between my knees, clutching my flask.) It isn't just useless, it's ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Humans are ugly. And in a way, it's not really our fault; it's just that we're stupid. We don't see these things coming, and get ourselves into them. Like the automobile. Shoulda been stopped, maybe. Do I think I'm superior? No. Because being really superior, would be being un-affected. Not caring, or scorning, or laughing at all the little weasel fish, instead of falling bottomlessly into depression. Your analogy to cattle is precise. Precise . Do we want to be able to see it, or not? [Another beautifully written thinga-ma-jiggy there. We're so glad you're here.]