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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:37:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

"R" rated bumper stickers: 1. Constipated people don't give a sh!t. 2. Practice safe sex; go f*&k yourself. 3. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 5. If you don't believe in oral sex; keep your mouth shut! 6. Please tell your pants that it is not polite to point. 7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. 8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. 9. Thank you for pot smoking. 10. To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing. 11. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 13. If you can read this; I've lost my trailer. 14. Horn broken, watch for finger. 15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. 16. If you aren't a hemorrhoid, get off my @ss.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

You Are What You Are... A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

White Hair One evening, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her lovely brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Mommy, you weren't a very good girl were you?" "Now why would you say a thing like that, honey?" asked her Mom. "Well ALL grandma's hairs are white," came the reply.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:46:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

1. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float. 2. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT - we're closed. 3. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. 4. A. Incontinence Hotline... Q. Can you hold, please? 5. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. 6. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. 7. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. 8. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 9. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" 10.Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. 11.Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. 12.Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough 13.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming. 14.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence 15.Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on. 16.Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch. 17.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. 18.Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. 19.Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. 20.Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. 21.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. 22.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. 23.Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. You fill it with gas. 24.Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer. 25.Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Ways to say "No" OR "Oh I'd Love to but... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. I have to floss my pets... I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. I want to spend more time with my blender. I'm attending the opening of my garage door. I'm building a pig from a kit. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. I'm getting my overalls overhauled. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves. It's my parakeet's bowling night. My patent is pending. The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

To: Susie924 who wrote (1731)	10/11/1999 10:59:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2380

Things 2 do at Wal-Mart Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Play with the automatic doors. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along. Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?" Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Put M&M's on layaway. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Toilet paper as much of the store as possible. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. Take bets on the battle described above. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Hold indoor shopping cart races. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible." Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Two words: "Marco Polo." Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.