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Pastimes : Don't Ask Rambi -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Rambi who wrote (39603)	10/13/1999 6:46:00 PM
From: Gauguin	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 71178

Did they READ the BOOK? Ahem. Just kidding. That HAS to be a weird sensation. Now how can you not take that personally? Well, I mean, me. Someone would say, "It doesn't mean they didn't like it." Oh, right. They liked it more than all the other books they've seen this year, but the company has a rule against publishing anyone's favorite book. We say, "Well, it's okay, none of the stuff in that book manuscript was important to me anyway." Rrright. I spent two or three years before that alphabetizing the leaves in my yard. "It was important to me, you didn't like it, and I'm going to stab myself." There. There we go. "Why don't you just steal my favorite underwear and give it to someone. Someone too big." It's like having a stranger come to the door, and having them say, "God that's an ugly cat." "And that kid's no Troy either." "Well, get out your wallet and let's have a look at your swine flu." How can you fight back? Hmmm. We need a ritual. One that can be preformed (cautionally) 34 times. I think all rejection letters should be standardized, everywhere in the world, to two words: "TRY AGAIN." That would be nice. But of course they're not nice, as we've already discovered. And the outside, yes, the outside of the envelope from "Barnaby Books" should be marked in some way, like at the top of the return address, so that you don't have a moment of extreme excitement, out by the mailbox, for three or four seconds, and then have neighbors calling the paramedics when you jump in the street with your scattered mail. TRY AGAIN Barnaby Books 10001 Tenth Avenue NY, NY 10012 Instead of opening the letter and having your heart fall into your pants. "We regret to inform you you suck." Well, at least they didn't punch your cat or take his picture. You can come to us for "strenth." Like a washer in a giant oil pan, you can hide here for weeks. I mist you too. I need, kneed, my little family here. For.....survival. Oh dear.

To: Rambi who wrote (39603)	10/13/1999 7:18:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Respond to of 71178

Rejection letters suck. Rejection sucks. I reject rejection. (ergo - I suck.) ;-) Was it a nice, informative rejection letter or a really formulaic one? If there was even a hint of personal attention in it, it might be interpreted as "We liked it. It was better than 98% of the dreck we have to plow through. It's just that we have this policy. Keep it up!"

To: Rambi who wrote (39603)	10/13/1999 8:22:00 PM
From: Thomas C. White	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 71178

You will be pleased to learn that the aforementioned imbecilic agent will not live out the night. The matter has been taken care of quite nicely. Perhaps you should mention this agent's iniquitous (and, may I unapologetically add, very messy) fate to your next one. I'm sure this will get you a much more attentive reading.

To: Rambi who wrote (39603)	10/13/1999 11:06:00 PM
From: JF Quinnelly	Respond to of 71178

A diet to help alleviate your rejection blues: Breakfast: 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast l cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) Rules for this Diet 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS