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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1805)	10/19/1999 7:53:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR What a laugh. I run a used car lot and I just had to print this out for the guys. Barney

To: Susie924 who wrote (1805)	10/19/1999 7:55:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letter received by Welfare Department in Application for Support..) 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why. 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference. 14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. 17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1805)	10/19/1999 7:57:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1805)	10/19/1999 7:59:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1805)	10/19/1999 8:05:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

Subject: What A Ride! Airliner intercom mistake (true story): A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - what a bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a b**w job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her... "Don't forget the coffee!"