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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Zbyte who wrote (1811)	10/19/1999 11:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

What is the temperature of deep space? Haven't got a clue. I'm a down to earth guy and can tell you the temperature was 81 degrees today on the golf course.

To: Zbyte who wrote (1811)	10/20/1999 2:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

You're In The Army Now... So Please Remeber: A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way. It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're not ready for them. b. When you're ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.

To: Zbyte who wrote (1811)	10/20/1999 12:27:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

MARRIAGE JOKES What do wives and proctologists have in common? They always have to deal with a pain in the ass. What's the difference between husbands and prisoners? Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them. When does a man feel like watering the garden? After having a six pack. What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale? A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time. What do women and tax forms have in common? Men love to cheat on them. What does a married man say after sex? Don't tell my wife. What's the best part of marriage? Divorce. Why do husbands appreciate hell? At least there, they know what they did wrong. What do marriage and Bill Clinton have in common? They're both a joke. Remember: The Bible says to "Love thy neighbor," but make sure her husband isn't home first.

To: Zbyte who wrote (1811)	10/20/1999 12:28:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2380

HOW TO BATHE A CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, A DOG OWNER