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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/22/1999 8:54:00 AM
From: Sammie	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2380

Biggest Jerks ------------------------------------------------------- Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/25/1999 11:10:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Thoughts for the Week... A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Atheism - A non-prophet organization. Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Clones are people two. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!" Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese. My reality check just bounced. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions? hypothetically...

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/25/1999 12:03:00 PM
From: Zbyte	Respond to of 2380

Church laughter One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrfice for you? "he said, nodding to Mrs.Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled... "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the women of the congregation.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/27/1999 10:19:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

At least the Braves *still* have somewhat of a chance. GO BRAVES!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOME FUNNIES In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/27/1999 10:23:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass, The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers "Chapped lips". "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?" "No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/27/1999 10:24:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Hope the next title isn't gonna happen tonite SWEEPING A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/28/1999 10:18:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

THE POINT SYSTEM In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: Duties: You make the bed......................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1 You leave the toilet seat up...........-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5 In the snow...............................................+8 But return with beer....................................-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night...........0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10 It's her pet..............................................-10 Social Engagements: Party: You stay by her side the entire party...................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany.......-4 Tiffany is a dancer....-6 Tiffany has implants...-80 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..............0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10 A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal.........................-5 The pal is happily married..........-4 Or frighteningly single............-7 And he drives a Mustang.......-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie.............+2 You take her to a movie she likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 You take her to a movie you like....-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........-3 Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans And baggy Hawaiian shirts............................-30 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding....-10 You reply, "Where?"............-35 Any other response.............-20 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0 You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+100 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep........-20

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/28/1999 10:24:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

NAME THAT COUNTRY * 709,000 regular (active duty) service personnel; * 293,000 reserve troops; * Eight standing army divisions; * 20 air force and navy air wings with 2,000 combat aircraft; * 232 strategic bombers; * 13 strategic ballistic missile submarines with 3,114 nuclear warheads on 232 missiles; * 500 ICBMs with 1,950 warheads; * Four aircraft carriers, and; * 121 surface combat ships and submarines, plus all the support bases, shipyards and logistical assets needed to sustain such a naval force. Is this country Russia? No Red China? No Great Britain ? Wrong Again Give Up? Well, don't feel too bad if you are unable to identify this global superpower because this country no longer exists. It has vanished. These are the American military forces that have disappeared since the 1992 election...So when u go to the polls.. remember this..and by the way... Sleep well, America.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/28/1999 10:28:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

1) What do you say to a ghost with three heads? Hello, hello, hello. 2) What did the baby ghost eat for dinner? A boo-loney sandwich. 3) What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end. 4) What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit? A wash-and-werewolf. 5) What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost? Fasten your sheet belt. 6) What is a witch with poison ivy called? An itchy witchy. 7) Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend. 8) Where do vampires live? In the Vampire State Building. 9) Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves and the whenwolves. 10) What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel. 11) What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines. 12) What do you call a dog owned by Dracula? A blood hound. 13) Why are black cats such good singers? They're very mewsical. 14) What's a cold, evil candle called? The wicked wick of the north. 15) What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best? Hallowieners. 16) Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"? In noisery school. 17) What does a goblin shop for? Grosseries. 18) How can you tell when windows are scared? They get shudders. 19) What do you call serious rocks? Grave stones. 20) Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience? She had to give a screech. 21) What's a goblin's favorite flavor? Lemon n' Slime. 22) Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break. 23) How do ghosts fly from one place to another? By scareplane. 24) How do you picture yourself flying on a broom? By witchful thinking. 25) What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal? Rice Creepies. 26) Why did the witch's mail rattle? It was a chain letter. 27) Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn? It was a stake sandwich. 28) What instrument does a skeleton play? A trombone. 29) Why was the zombie so grumpy? She woke up too early in the mourning. 30) What directions did the ghost give the goblin? "Make a fright turn at the corner." 31) What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets. 32) What's a vampire's favorite feast? Fangsgiving Day dinner. 33) What do little trees say on Halloween? Twig or treat. 34 What do goblins mail home while on vacation? Ghostcards. 35) Why did the vampire need mouthwash? She had bat breath.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	10/28/1999 10:32:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

"On Sale Today!" As she walked up to the store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "On sale today, just one kiss per yard," replied the young gent behind the counter. "That's fine," replied the young lady, flashing a gorgeous smile, "I'll take 12 yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, turned to go and pointed to a little old man chewing tobacco beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1833)	11/1/1999 10:28:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

The Volunteer Fire Department A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions... Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts. Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."