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Pastimes : Don't Ask Rambi -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jacques Chitte who wrote (42316)	11/20/1999 12:29:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 71178

(installment 1) Sudden Death Overtime (by Lather.Rinse.Repeat. Nov 1999) Field Report 1364(b) - Artifact Recovered from Archontes Site Four (Putative Museum). This has proven to be a standard Galactic disaster recorder with a file of recoverable text. Tentative age (isotopic) is four point one billion years. Tests are under way to determine if this is some sort of hoax. The text is reproduced below - the language appears to be a dialect of Earth/human/Anglic. Academician Krindar gives the following translation tentative but not definite approval. Please advise. <text attached> This really sucks, you know? I figured I had to say that. Not that it matters - by the time anyone will be around to care, this recorder will be in some other galaxy or forming a comet in some newborn solar system, like a seed in a pearl. Funny how I get all poetic when I'm about to cash in all the chips. OK, I'll shut up and tell the story. I got an hour ‘til planetfall anyway. Life support is all I could ask it to be on a stolen ship, and there is still a breath of maneuvering fuel left. Just enough to make sure I swat that Spider. My name is Giuseppe Rizzini of the Pavonis Rizzinis. Call me Ishmael. <cackle, followed by racking cough> No don't - hold on here, you can call me Joey. The First Rizzini I guess I'm now, father of the whole freakin planet. Don't say “which planet”, stoopid. Monkeyhome. <emphasis> Da Earth. And for a few glorious weeks I was the Boss. Boss of the whole galaxy, except maybe the Archontes Consortium, and it oughtta be really kicking now and not some archeological puzzles around a stringa neutron stars. You see, it's four billion years ago, and I'm tooling around here in the young Sol system. Man, you should see Jupiter's rings - they're really something. And Earth - you wouldn't recognize her at all - the Moon is in real close, and there's a huge ocean and one big-ass continent lost in a smog of volcanic-looking crap. There's a typhoon out on the Farside bigger than the Moon. Really awesome. How did I get here, you wonder. Well I'll tell you. It's all Eddie's fault. Yeah. Eddie “the Weasel” Carcano, the crazy cheating scum. What an ironic thing that I'm all the way back here saving his psychopathic skinny ass. Eddie, of course, was just about to become the acting head of the biggest human syndicate in all of trans-Deneb, and that is some mighty choice real estate. He was even jockeying for a voting seat on the board of the pussies' Directorate, and the pussies were the species with the most juice in the whole Galactic sector. It's the pussies who did us in. Them ugly smelly armored molluscs were always a humorless lot, and when you got them good and mad they wouldn't waste any time taking prisoners.