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Pastimes : Let's Talk About Our Feelings!!! -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: jlallen who wrote (64670)	12/5/1999 6:34:00 PM
From: Grainne	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 108807

<<Interesting. Spanking (a little pat on the butt from time to time- no belts, paddles, etc.)worked well with my children until they were old enough to reason. You can't reason with a two year old and the negative reinforcement provided by the spanking works well enough to curb objectionable behaviors until a child reaches an age where they can be reasoned with. Nowadays, there's no need to spank the kids in my home anymore because the mere expression by my wife or myself that we are disappointed with their behavior is generally enough to prompt and apology and a change in attitude.>> While it is true that two-year-olds are not completely reasonable creatures, they are struggling to learn self-control. How can spanking teach anything at all about self-control? I wonder, in fact, if some of the violence in American culture may come from almost universal spanking of children? What must it teach them to be hit by a parent? It destroys trust and mixes love with fear and pain, an unfortunate result when in fact toddlers do respond to time-outs and the natural consequences of bad behavior like having a favorite toy taken away briefly if the child is destructive with it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Parenting Styles ~ The Authoritarian Parenting Style "Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners." -- Author Unknown THE AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING STYLE: The Authoritarian Parenting Style is high on limits and low on love. That doesn't mean that an authoritarian parent does not love their child. They do love their child but their parenting strengths are in the area of action discipline (limits) and not relationship discipline (love). Most children of authoritarian parents do not feel as if they had a close, warm relationship with their parents. Consequently, they are not someone they feel they can turn to for empathy and problem solving. Authoritarian parents value obedience and respect. They do not negotiate rules and chores. And they believe in a family hierarchy, with dad usually at the top, mom next in line, and children last. Authoritarian parenting styles are not in vogue in American society today. This style is often seen as abusive by today's standards. But it is a strength. They set firm limits with children. Children generally obey. And respect is achieved. So what makes it so bad? Authoritarian parents often confuse discipline and punishment. Punishment is an external force for controlling parents. External forces are effective to a point. Children will obey when the external force or threat is present but revolt against it when the force is removed. So, when a parent leaves a room or children are not under their control, they often do what they want because no internal sense of right and wrong is present in children. Discipline uses internal and external force to teach right from wrong. Parents use external force and model or guide children about right and wrong. This way children will follow the rules when parents are not around to enforce the rules. Authoritarian parents tend to use spanking as a method of external force. This has been proven to be ineffective for the same reasons, namely, children will do what they are told to avoid getting a spanking but they will do what they want when no one is around to spank them. That is because they have not internalized right from wrong. Spanking is only one tool that parents can use. If a parent has only a hammer to fix everything that is wrong in their home, they will break more things then they fix, over time. The better solution is to have a tool belt full or "parenting tools." Authoritarian parents can become authoritative to balance love and limits in their parenting. Authoritative parents use internal controls, teach and model right from wrong, use various parenting tools, and are attentive to their child's developmental and emotional needs. parentingtoolbox.com