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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (1978)	12/3/1999 11:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

FYI... There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1978)	12/3/1999 11:26:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Parking Problems... A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

To: Susie924 who wrote (1978)	12/3/1999 11:27:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

One nice thing about living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1978)	12/3/1999 11:28:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? So she could see what was on the other side.

To: Susie924 who wrote (1978)	12/3/1999 11:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

What to do when you get those wonderful telephone calls. 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy"! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friend...would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood? 9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder... 20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.