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Technology Stocks : Open Market (OMKT) -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: kennbill who wrote (1817)	12/3/1999 5:57:00 PM
From: SBerglowe	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2004

Can't resist posting this from Yahoo; please forgive me if it offends anyone: Study reveals OMKT Shorts are Stupid by: AugustWest79 (36/M/Denver Colorado) 12/3/1999 5:48 pm EST Msg: 44851 of 44853 LOS ANGELES--A surprising new study released Friday by UCLA's Institute For Stupid Short Traders Development (ISSTD) revealed that OMKT_good_short_opp, fear_and_greed2000, and other OMKT shorts long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid. The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 shorts, concluded categorically that the OMKT shorts are the stupidest..."So stupid, it's not even funny." According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine OMKT short?s survival instincts when attacked, the shorts were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels. "It is unlikely that the presence of the shorts' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said. Another test, in which the OMKT shorts were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results. "Monkeys chickens, dogs and even worms that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The OMKT shorts, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises." According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the OMKT shorts tested in this manner eventually drowned. Some of the OMKT shorts tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of their own stock certificates. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can-openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Kibbles-brand dog-food products. OMKT shorts, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas. "As fear_and_greed2000?s mom, I find these results very disheartening," Mrs Greed2000 told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise little fear_and_greed into an intelligent person may have been entirely wasted--a fool's dream, if you will." Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of sorrow for these OMKT shorts, and their inability to make ends-meet" Clinton said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing OMKT short population with artificially incubated sheep, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid OMKT short forever." Posted as a reply to: Msg 44849 by a137