Actually, the following is what happens to clowns like the PP. One day we'll read about them taking home a Darwin. -g-
THE 1999 IMPROVED DARWIN AWARDS
Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll please)...We proudly present
the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...
5th runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a
lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area
while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David
Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The
accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors
from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might
hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the
ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its
pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police,
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out
without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
"Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the man in Arkansas who used
the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to
explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said
I'll show you how to set it off."
"He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth
out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something
like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as
Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, regon. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny Delashaw at the University University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts
tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends
had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his
friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater. Having
no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into
the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and
the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted
(and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch
that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed
his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body and
now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing,
his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr.
Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks
of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and
slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on
his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed
pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead
at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win... |
