To: E who wrote (43273 ) 12/9/1999 12:22:00 PM From: Gauguin Read Replies (6) | Respond to of 71178
Guys, this is an embarrassed and slightly, well, pretty much, ashamed, Gaugie, and I am okay. I am travelling (kind of "last ditch") with Nails. "Nails Motley." I called home and got the "You better post, or you're going to hell," advice. From the reasonable person there. I say honestly, I mean as best I can, that I don't know exactly how these absences get started, and grow. I think maybe because to explain them would involve saying things like "I got a little scared, and then more, and then disconnected mentally, and then hump-blocked." (This is "blocked by a hump", in more technical terms.) And those kind of statements seem peculiar and vulnerable appearing in ways that make me afraid to say them. In public. Another possibility, that I once mentioned to Lather, could be a complicating issue of that I stop posting to get attention. Oh boy, there's a swell thing to admit. But even being as self-critical as I can, that doesn't explain the whole, and it definitely starts the other way. Little fears or confusions. That just stay there and or get bigger or morph. Then, add guilt, and presto-chango, you've got paralysis. Jeez. "Don't DO anything ", says the little (big) (only) voice. Nails just came in and said wrap it up, or I'm leaving you in a ditch. He was holding an empty garbage sack. Where would the modern world be, without garbage sacks? Where would all the things in them, be? Oh yah. Yesterday he says, (we found out my pulse is routinely 120+ beats a minute) ~ he says, "So, why is your pulse 120." "Im nervous. Ner-vous." "Put a plastic bag over your head." He tries to confuse me, with the "Home Remedies." The IV nurse said, looking at the monitor, getting blood for later, (the 28th of Dec), "Why is your resting heart-rate at 123?" "I think probably it's because I'm attracted to you." (Well ~ it's better than saying, "Traffic.") I am sorry for worrying you. All. Again. I am really sorry, and it was just getting worse, but I am a little beat up and not worth beating up again. "People aren't going to care about you if you treat them this way," I hear in myself. "I know ," I hear, too. But then there's that effing hump. I must go; we're heading into the alpine snow. Just remember, I am a runner-away from things. Or I can only do one thing, mentally, at a time. I don't know. I don't do it on purpose, I promise. Bye for a few days. I hope. Really. I love all you guys. ~ A bad person