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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (2142)	1/24/2000 12:51:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn by Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of Its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 11. You should not confuse your career with your life. 12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. 13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is an idiot. 15. Your friends love you, anyway. 16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2142)	1/24/2000 10:47:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? DAMN! WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? POLAROIDS WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? NACHO CHEESE. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? QUATRO SINKO. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? FROSTBITE. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HECK OUT OF THE DOG. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? SANKA. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER? THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER? A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN. A BAD SKYDIVER GOES, DAMN. WHACK! WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH A CAR ON HIS HEAD? JACK. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME? SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2142)	1/24/2000 10:49:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Smell The Coffee ... A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. And, when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement there were three of little green army men in her cup. Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

To: Susie924 who wrote (2142)	1/24/2000 10:50:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2380

What You DON'T Want To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something? Ah fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy! HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal? How come all the big shots are leaving? I used to work at Chernobyl. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there? Is this part really necessary? It's Russian technology. NO, It was YOUR turn to wax the core. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow. Sniff, sniff.... you smell that? This whole plant will be running under Win2000 tomorrow. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round? We got 12 seconds to WHAT???? Well... Look at the good news: we are finally going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark. Who forgot to pay the water bill?