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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/2/2000 1:11:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
The Boss

For twenty seven years, Mr. Jones had arrived
at work at 9 on the dot. He had never missed a
day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day
9 a.m. passed without Mr. Jones' arrival, it
caused a bit of a sensation. Work stopped, and the
boss himself, looking at his watch and mumbling to
himself, came out into the commons area...

Finally, precisely at 10:15 a.m. Jones showed up,
clothes rumpled and torn, his face scratched and
bruised, his glasses frames twisted, one lens broken.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in,
and said, aware that all eyes were upon him,
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I tripped and rolled
down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed
myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights
of stairs took you an hour and 15 minutes?"



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/2/2000 1:13:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
The Top O' The Line

Tom: Yup! I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Nancy: Are you wearing it now?

Tom: Yup.Cost me three thousand dollars,but it's the top o'the line.

Nancy: What kind is it?

Tom: Twelve-thirty.



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/2/2000 10:36:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
You KNOW You're Stressed Out When...

The Stars is too loud...

Trees are chasing you...

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before....

You can see individual air molecules vibrating...

You question whether brewing is really a necessary
step for the consumption of coffee....

You can hear mimes....

Things become "Very, Very Clear"....

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your
order to go....

You say the same sentence over and over again,
not realizing that you have said it before....

You keep yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" even though you
are the only one in the room....

It is clear that people are speaking to you in binary code....

You can travel without moving....

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before....

Apart from coffee, Antacid tablets become your sole
source of nutrition....

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies....

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the
people you are talking to....

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before....

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your
head quieted, it was like losing your best friend....

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing... ... Hey! Wait a minute...



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/2/2000 10:45:00 AM
From: Barney  Read Replies (3) | Respond to of 2380
 
How many can you get - right that is??????

ANSWERS TOMORROW - - - GOOD LUCK.... :^))

Official Baby Boomers Qualifying Exam

1. Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course.

Consider this a warm-up._________________________________________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, __ __!" Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" ____ _____ _____ ____.

4. What do M & M's do? ____ __ ____ _____, ___ __ ____ ____.

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ______ _____.

6. Long before he was "Mohammed Ali," before he was "The Greatest," we knew him as _________ ______.

7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ________________________."

8. Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know Bob Denver as the Skipper's little buddy." But true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _______ _. _____.

9. "M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y... ___? _______ __ ____ ___. _ _ _ __!"

10. Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of the girls' dormitory, _____.

11. "Brylcream... _ ______ ___'__ __ __."

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____ __.

13. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder... wonder who; ___ ____ ___ ____ __ ____?"

14. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War... uh-huh, huh... yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."

15. This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? _____ _____ ______ ____ _____ ___."

16. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ___ ________ ___.

17. He came out of the University of Alabama, to became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. Later, he went on to appear in a TV commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ___ ______.

18. I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ _ ___ __ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

19. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was most recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ____ ______.

20. In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing: ________.

21. In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er-do-well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful escape attempt, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, explaining, "What we have here is _ _______ __ ___________."

22. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have _______ _____ to kick around any more."

23. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot six, and weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, __ ___ ____, ___ ___ ____."

24. "I found my thrill, __ _________ ____." You may remember Richie Cunningham saying this. But if you are a true boomer, you know it was ____ ______ who made this line famous.

25. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _________ ___ ___." This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.

26. "Good night, David." "____ _____, ____."



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/6/2000 11:48:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As the old man gets up and composes himself, a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it won't slip."

The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat on this here bus.



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/6/2000 11:53:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked (Okay, 11!)

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in
here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in
Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen
where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came
to work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one ever steals your chair.



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/6/2000 11:55:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
The Lord has a way of revealing those of us who really
know him, and those that don't!!! Think about it!

Al Gore gave a big speech this week about how his
faith is so important" to him. In this attempt to
convince the American people that we should consider
him for president, he announced that his favorite
Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech writer
meant John 3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was
familiar enough with scripture to catch the error.

And do you know what John 16:3 says?

John 16:3 ...............................................
"And they will do this because they have not known the Father nor Me"



To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/8/2000 8:26:00 PM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
In Class

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students
a short lesson on science. He had explained about
magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and
other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M'
and I pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."




To: Susie924 who wrote (2189)2/8/2000 8:30:00 PM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
"Chapter 7 in Stupid Criminals" or "Yo! Crime Don't Pay"

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Elsewhere...

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

Meanwhile...

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

And...

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...........entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet....

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland...

Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .