Doc Kronkite lifted off for the Caribbean today, the day of my weekly appointment, throwing me into crisis. "Suzy, pack quickly" I said. "We're going to the Caribbean for a week or two" I snapped. "And pack my laptop."
"But what about your weekend post to the 'Gemmers?" she asked.
"Pick out something I posted from few months ago, I'll call it "The Best of Lee Kramer." Hey, if James Cramer from theStreet.com can do it, I can do it. He's probably packing at this very moment. He's a patient of Doc Kronkite's too."
"No" she said.
"Yup. He credits the Doc with his trading success."
- - - - - - - - - -
Just got back from my session with my shrink, the all-seeing but never pedantic, (and former tennis-ball tester) Doc Kronkite. I must report that the session did not go well. As I walked in he chortled "On the couch boobeleh, on the couch lie down already." I eased my weary body onto his lumpy couch.
"So tell me what's been rattling around that cuckoo head of yours. You got maybe a new phobia? No problem, I'm a specialist in phobias you know."
"I know doc" I said.
"So how much did you make trading this week? he asked me.
"That's the problem Doc. It was a great week for the Dow, the NASDAQ and especially the techs, but I barely broke even" I admitted. And I couldn't sleep a wink last night. You think I'm coming down with a case of insomnia?"
"It's good you came to me. I'm a specialist in insomnia you know. I cured Albert Epstein when he was trying to invent regularity."
"You mean 'relativity' don't you doc? (Doc was a major-league malapropist).
"Exactly. That's what I said, regularity. I cured Dick Nixon, Jean Dixon, the New York Philharmonic, Lassie, Raymond Massie, Shirley Bassie, Larry King, Jimmy Ling, Marty Pring and four-fifths of the Jackson Five. Michael kept walking backward on me; a real challenge, that one. Didn't you read my best seller, "The Truss: Friend or Foe"? I did a whole chapter on insomnia.
"Guess I missed that chapter doc" I said.
"Anyway, the cure to insomnia is simple; whenever I can't sleep I sit in front of the TV and flick the clicker until I find Bob Dole, Alan Greenspan, Connie Chung, Dennis Fung, any politician giving a speech or Charlton Heston telling me I don't have enough AK-47's. Any one of these soporiphic schmendriks usually push me gently into the waiting arms of the Sandman within five minutes. But if this doesn't work I go to my fall-back, never-fails solution: I plunk in a tape of Mary Matilin, an all-pro sleep inducer, that one. Have YOU ever seen her lips move? A great ventrikilist she'd make."
You mean ventriliquist doc. Thanks doc, I'll try it. But what am I gonna do about my miserable trading?"
He stroked his beard, shook his head sadly and threw a blueberry muffin at me.
"Thank doc" I said, wiping blueberries off my face. "You really know how to help a trader in distress."
"Already with the complaints. It's all part of your therapy. Next time maybe you'll duck. Didn't you read my book, "Aluminum Siding: Buy or Lease?" A best seller. Read Chapter 27, 'Muffin Therapy', a bargain at only $39.95."
"I will doc. But what about my trading? I think I'm in a slump. I bought 500 shares of FFIV, sold it for a five-point gain. Ten minutes later it's up another six points, half hour later it's up eight more. Then I pick up some ALLR, caught it at the high of the day doc. Had to sell it on the close for a 5-point loss. I'm losing my nerve doc. Now I'm afraid to pull the trigger" I moaned.
"Mmmm" he said, stroking his beard, shaking his head and reaching for another muffin. As I ducked he plopped the muffin in his mouth and laughed.
"Gotcha" he chortled.
As I picked my self off the floor he said "So why do YOU think you're trading badly?"
I stroked my beard, shook my head, reached for my coffee cup. He ducked. I sipped.
"Gosh doc, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. That's why I came to you. You gotta help me doc."
"I'm glad you came to me he" said. "I'm a specialist in day-traders and their problems. Never met a bunch with so many problems. I did a whole chapter on day-traders in my new book, a best-seller by the way, "Growing Tin in Your Back Yard", chapter 47. Read on it boobeleh, read. It'll steer you back to the path of trading profits."
"Doc, you're a genius" I shouted, jumping up with renewed hope.
"Hey, you don't get to the top of the shrink game without flashes of brilliance. That's how Campbell invented soup you know" he said, stroking his beard, shaking his head and reaching for a blueberry muffin.
"Thanks doc. You've been great. See you next week" I said, scrambling for the door as the muffin whizzed by my ear and splattered on the wall.
Lee Kramer
|
