Good traders have to get away from the market every so often. If they don't, they begin to hit the
"sell" button when they mean buy, the "buy" button when they mean sell and worst of all buy every stock that Maria breathlessly mentions. Me, I head for the Caribbean with Suzy every six months or so; we hit the beaches, eat well, sleep well, make a little nick-nick.
It works, 'cause after a week or so I'm eager to get home and trade.
So we're at Navio, a great beach; sitting, swimming, soaking up the sun and body-surfing. Heaven!
I'm reading and Suzy pokes me hard in the ribs and points. "Hey, that hurts" I say. But I look. Coming toward us is DOC KRONKITE! with a line of maybe ten guys trailing behind him, single file, kinda like a mother duck with her ducklings following in a line. Doc's got his arm around his "receptionist", Thelma Tushbumper, she with the bodacious ta-ta's.
We simultaneously hide our faces behind our paperbacks.
Drat!
But of course he spots us and walks our way, his line of ten following.
"Kramer!" he bellows, "What are you doing here?" he demands.
"Just relaxing Doc." I mumble. Since a good defense is sometimes the best defense I say "And what are YOU doing here?"
"Funny you should ask" he replies. "I've got a bunch of traders who are having an awful time. So I brought 'em all down here for Group Analysis." I notice they're all still in line, heads down, obviously depressed and badly in need of the Doc's help.
"We're walking the beach" he says, "to keep them from running back to their rooms to trade. And we're playing games. Game Therapy I call it, to keep this sad bunch from trading. Did a whole chapter on Game Therapy in my best seller "Briefs or Boxer Shorts: The Proper Trader's Attire", Chapter 42. You read it of course."
"Gee Doc, musta missed that one" I confessed.
"Mmmm. Read on it boobeleh, read. We're about to start 'Simon Says'.Why don't you join us. You it could help."
"Thanks Doc, but I just want to relax."
Suzy snaps "Short QQQ" and flings her right arm skyward. Ten hands shoot up. "I didn't say Simon Says" Suzy tells 'em.
Their hands drop, their heads droop. They're more depressed than ever.
"Enough" the Doc says. "Follow me boys, we'll continue with Simon Says further down the beach, away from any distractions." They all trudge off. The Doc hits me with a nasty stare.
Suzy's smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "Nice work" I tell her as we put down our books and head for the water.
Later we sit down to dinner at La Casa del Frances, an old sugar plantation that's now a funky hotel.
"Boobeleh's" says a booming voice that I instantly recognize.
I look up. It's the Doc with Thelma.. "Didn't know you were staying here Why didn't you tell me? You should've told me. They comp me here, I could have had you comped too."
Tell him? Tell him? I was trying to get away from him. Fifteen hundred miles we schlepp and we run into him. They sit down at our table.
The waitress comes over. Suzy orders some white wine, a couple of lobsters. The Doc and Thelma order the same. "And you?" the waitress asks me. "I'll have a bottle of strychnine, and a basket of garlic bread." She smiles and leaves. The Doc didn't catch it. He's busy looking around. "So how come l I see lotsa women and no men? Where are all the men? Where are all my patients? Must be snoozing" he says.
"No Doc" Suzy says, "they're all back in their rooms with their laptops. They're doing extended, after-hours trading."
"They're trading?" cried the Doc. "I told them they musn't trade" jumping up and scrambling away.
"You did it again" I said to Suzy. "Fantastic!"
We had a great dinner, hung out at 'Bananas' for the rest of the night. Didn't see the Doc.
But we had to worry about tomorrow. Suzy and I worked out our strategy: "Why don't you suggest that Doc run a day long game of 'Slap-Jack' for his trader-patients" I say. "Tell him it's a great way to get sluggish traders to pull the trigger."
"Mmm" Suzy muses, "It might work."
It did work, for a while. But later, sitting around the outdoor bar he and the lovely Thelma sit down. "I wanna make a movie" he says, "about my work with all my troubled day-traders. I want Mel Brooks, Albert Einstein or Walter Mathau to play me. What do you think?"
"Albert is no longer with us doc. I'd go with Mel Brooks." I tell him.
"Ok. Mel it is. Thelma, call my agent. Tell him to have his people call my people." Thelma nods.
"And what do you think about Madonna or Carmen Diaz for the very sexy Thelma?" he asks.
"Madonna" I tell him.
"And for you, my biggest success, it's gotta be Redford , Newman or Billy Crystal. You choose."
"Gee doc, that's a tough one. Can I think on it?"
"Of course. Can you keep a secret?" he asks.
"Sure doc" I reply.
"You heard maybe about the King Brothers? Separated at birth. George was placed with a family that subscribed to fishing magazines. James was placed with a family that subscribed to the Wall Street Journal. Twenty-eight years later George was living with his parents, watching fishing shows on TV. James started a B2B company, went public, and his IPO had the biggest first day pop." The Doc leaned over to me and whispered that there were THREE brothers separated at birth. "I was the third brother, but not a word to anyone. You gotta promise."
"I promise doc, I promise."
"Good" he said, " now lets do a group-session with my meshuggeh traders."
"Sure doc, whatever you say."
He rounded up the deficient ten. "Ok boobelehs, lets talk about your trading problems. Who wants to go first?
A hand shot up. "See Doc, first thing I do is turn on CNBC and if the market's going up, I buy. I listen to Maria, she's all excited so I buy more. Then when the market turns down it scares the hell out of me so I sell and take a loss."
"This you call a problem?" said the doc. "Just hit the mute button you yutz. NEXT."
Another hand shot up. "Doc, I worry about my positions. I'm afraid to hold them overnite. I can't sleep and I keep tossing and turning and my wife gets really annoyed., says she's gonna go see a divorce lawyer, claim mental cruelty, wipe me out."
"Simple solution" said the doc, "Separate bedrooms are definitely indicated. Would you rather boink or get a good night's sleep? NEXT."
"Doc, I keep getting stopped out. It's killing me. What should I do?"
"Again with the simple" said the doc, "Lower your stops. NEXT!
A little guy in the back piped up. "The market looks toppy to me, so I'm 100% in cash. But genomics and telecom stocks seem to be flying. What should I buy doc, genomics or telecoms?"
"Buy 'em both. Mendelbaum the fund manager happens to be a patient of mine. He guarantees these two sectors are gonna be hot this year. Enough with the questions already. Group starts tomorow at 10 a.m. sharp. Be here. And no pre-market trading!"
"Thanks doc" say the ten little ducklings to their mother, the affable but unflappable Doc Kronkite.
Lee Kramer
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