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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:30:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Gee, I guess I paid more attention than I thought back then. I only missed 3.....not too bad for an old fart....<VBG>

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:34:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,"Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Grandmothers When I was very little All the Grandmas that I knew Were wearing the same kind Of ugly grandma shoes.. You know the kind I mean.. Clunky heeled, black, lace-up kind, They just looked so very awful That it weighed upon my mind, For I knew, when I grew old . I'd have to wear those shoes, I'd think of that, from time to time It seemed like such bad news. I never was a rebel, I wore saddle shoes to school, And next came ballerinas Then the sandals, pretty cool. And then came spikes with pointed toes Then platforms, very tall, As each new fashion came along I wore them, one and all. But always, in the distance, Looming in my future, there, Was that awful pair of ugly shoes, The kind that Grandmas wear, I eventually got married And then I became a Mom Our kids grew up and left, And when their children came along, I knew I was a Grandma And the time was drawing near When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes Was what I'd have to wear. How would I do my gardening Or take my morning hike? I couldn't even think about How I would ride my bike! But fashions kept evolving And one day I realized That the shape of things to come Was changing, right before my eyes. And now, when I go shopping What I see, fills me with glee For, in my jeans and Reeboks I'm as comfy as can be. And I look at all these little girls And there, upon their feet Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes, And I really think that's neat.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:40:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: You know you're a redneck if -- If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side... If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart... If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV... If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler... If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table... If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart... If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home... If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement... If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher... If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph... If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is... If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:43:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game." The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African Roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton. This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Take a few seconds as you read each sentence; close your eyes; think about it; and enjoy the emotion before you move on to the next one. You will enjoy the experience ...IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD... Falling in love. Laughing so hard your face hurts. A hot shower. No lines at the Super Wal-Mart. A special glance. Getting mail. Taking a drive on a pretty road. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Hot towels out of the dryer. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. Chocolate milkshake. A long distance phone call. A bubble bath. Giggling. A good conversation. The beach. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. Laughing at yourself. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. Running through sprinklers. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Laughing at an inside joke. Friends. Falling in love for the first time. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. Your first kiss. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Playing with a new puppy. Late night talks with your roommate that keeps you from sleeping. Having someone play with your hair. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. Road trips with friends. Swinging on swings. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. Going to a really good concert. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. Winning a really competitive game. Making chocolate chip cookies! Having your friends send you homemade cookies! Spending time with close friends! Seeing smiles and hearing laughter? from your friends... Holding hands with someone you care about. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. Hugging the person you love. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you. Watching the sunrise/sunset. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 10:58:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes" he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!" *AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU???*

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 11:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

The top 11 Hints for Life 1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. 2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go. 3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. 4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. 6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. 7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. 8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too. 9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless. 10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. 11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying. Print this out and keep it in your pocket or purse and pull it out whenever you need a hint for Life. Always remember- Life is precious, don't let it slip by.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2267)	2/22/2000 11:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Hi-Tech Prayer As I boot up my PC, my modem dialing next to me, I ask the Lord, give me a sign.... Will I ever get on-line????? If you'd kindly let me through, I'll byte no more than I can chew. I'll surf the waves amid the Net, with my mouse, my loyal pet. And through each window I will see the websites that are offered me. Resisting any chat room's lure, I'll download only what is pure. If system errors don't prevail, I vow to read all my e-mail. If you save me from a crash, I'll dump my games into the trash. Just please don't take my CD-ROM! Thank you Lord, God Bless.com