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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/24/2000 9:59:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Parent's Dictionary DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep them from clobbering each other in the back seat. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/24/2000 10:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: Little Johnny A young preacher arrived in a small town to give a sermon. He needed to mail a letter, so when he saw Little Johnny he asked the young boy where the post office was. When Johnny told him, the Preacher thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," Little Johnny said. "You don't even know your way to the post office." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^* A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/24/2000 10:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Subject: The Mini Skirt In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/24/2000 10:07:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

What Your Boss May Find Hard to Believe... Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. The mathematical proof that explains why this is true follows: Given 1: Knowledge is Power. Given 2: Time is Money. Now, every engineer and physicist knows, Work ------ = Power Time Replacing our variables, Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, from above we see: Work ----- = Knowledge Money And then solving for Money, we get: Work --------- = Money Knowledge Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money conversely approaches infinity regardless of the amount of Work done! Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make. N.B. Speculation is that the reason why young Mr. Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as a prescient undergrad, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance. . . We should all be so dumb, huh?

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/25/2000 2:31:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Thought you would all like these. A Touch of Humor: Proverbs for a Smile Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. I am a nutritional overachiever I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/27/2000 12:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Curious Chloride Learns about Molecules If you don't know your arsole from your dickite, then just fucitol and look at the ridiculous names of molecules on this Bristol University Chemistry site. Some are frankly unbelievable, and must cause smutty giggles galore in Chemistry 101. Others are just silly, like unununium (an atom, actually) and Buckminster Fullerene. But for sheer audacity nothing can top magnesium iron silicate hydroxide: cummingtonite. You ought to hit the link at the bottom of the page to go visit the Molecule of the Month Page, which shows off some nifty science. bris.ac.uk

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	2/29/2000 10:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2380

Busy - Busy - Busy A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, "Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . ." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

To: Susie924 who wrote (2281)	3/2/2000 10:36:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2380

Worth Reading With the recent death of 'Peanuts' creator Charles Schulz, I reflect on how much I enjoyed sharing the adventures of the 'Peanuts' gang and I remember the many lessons they taught me... 1. It's okay to be afraid... just don't let your fears control you. Charlie Brown often sat in bed and spoke of his fears, but no matter how scared he was, he always did the things he wanted to do. 2. Persistence wins out. Charlie Brown often lost, failed at much, but he never gave up. Even though he knew Lucy was going to pull the football away before he could kick it....Even though he knew the tree was going to eat his kite... Even though he knew his team would lose the ball game, he kept on trying. 3. It's what you think of yourself that counts. Linus carried a security blanket for years and his friends laughed at him. They also laughed at him because he believed in the "Great Pumpkin." Pigpen was a walking cloud of dust and dirt and was often regarded unkindly. Both characters, however, were always proud of themselves and believed they were as good as anybody else -- and they were right. 4. Sometimes you need to talk. One thing the 'Peanuts' gang understood was the importance of talking things out. Whether leaning up against Schroeder's piano or atop the brick wall, they always had someplace to discuss what was of concern to them. 5. Sometimes you need to listen. Even crabby, self-indulged Lucy knew the importance of listening. She started the famous 'Psychiatry Booth' where any and all could come and be heard. 6. Do what you love to do. Through all their adventures, Schroeder remained constant in his appreciation of Beethoven and his love of playing the piano. He loved to play piano and that's what he did, regardless of the circumstances. Charlie Brown flew his kite, played baseball and football, not just to win (he knew he wouldn't), but because he loved to do those things. 7. It's important to have friends that care. The 'Peanuts' gang was made up of individual characters, each with their own foibles and talents, but through it all they were always there for each other. 8. Big dreams lead to big things. Snoopy was the biggest dreamer of them all, but his wild imagination often led to even wilder, more fantastic adventures in real life. Snoopy knew that you must have a big dream if you are going to lead a big life. 9. Action creates reality. As Charlie Brown was reminded time and again after prodding from Linus: it takes action to bring about change. Though he often failed, Chuck took action quite regularly... and every now and again things would go his way. 10. Laugh every day! While the kids themselves may not have seen the humor in the things they did, Schulz made sure that we did. Life is only as serious or as humorous as YOU make it. Lighten up. Go play softball. Fly a kite. Dance with your dog. Smile...it makes people wonder what you're up to.