I could hardly wait for my weekly session with my shrink, the astute but never pompous doc Kronkite.
Such a week in the market! The NASDAQ got clobbered Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The Dow got hit hard Monday but came back. Took a bad hit on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday they both moved up sharply. Thursday, the DOW, NASDAQ and S&P took off like an F-14 with the afterburners kickin' in hard.
"So Dortmunder" I asked the master-trading chimp after the market closed yesterday. "What do you think?"
"Sell your longs into this strength. Put on some shorts. Buy a few in the money put options. They're going down."
"Mmmm" I mused. "Both the Dow and the NASDAQ flew Thursday and Friday. Don't you think we've turned the corner, seen a bottom. "Maybe I should see what Doc Kronkite thinks. He's a specialist you know."
"He's a dunderhead."
"Perhaps you shouldn't accompany me this morning. You and the doc don't seem to er, get along all that well."
"You've got that right. I can't abide the fellow."
We agreed that he'd take the ride with me, but remain in the car. "That way we can talk" he said, "without the doc's nonsensical and constant interruptions and beard stroking. He's in dire need of immediate analysis. Though I suspect no respectable analyst would take him on. The poor fellow would easily induce a competent analyst to leave his profession and join a monestary devoted to vows of silence after a single session with Doc Kryptonite."
I left Dortmunder and Delbert-the-Parrot , (perched happily on Dorty's right shoulder) in the car and went into the Doc's reception room. You can imagine my surprise when I saw the spacious reception room packed. OJ was there, Scrumpy, Mr. Stress, Bobby Gudenau, AnnieO, N. Cougar, Garrick, H.L. Tuna, Connor, Sosmartinov. I could barely see the doc's georgeous "receptionist" Thelma Tushbumper, but I caught a glimpse by jumping up and down.
Thelma came over to me. My heart pounded. "Would you mind terribly if the doctor used your scheduled time for a group session?" she asked, indicating all the filled chairs. For her, anything. "Sure, it's Ok. I understand."
A buzzer sounded on Thelma's desk. "Would you all please enter the doctor's office now?" There was a mad scramble for the door into the doc's office. I nearly got run over by OJ.
The anxiety in that room was palpable.
"I feel a bit of anxiety in the room" said the perceptive Doc. "Would someone care to articulate the source of this, er, distress?" The cocaphany of voices was immediate and deafening. The doc took off his shoe and slammed it hard on his desk. Instant quiet. "You" he pointed, "shall be the group spokesman. Talk."
I'll not identify the speaker because as he talked he sobbed.
"See Doc, early in the week the market took a big hit. I was losing thousands by the minute. I couldn't look at the tape, couldn't look at Maria, and I love to look at Maria. I wanted to do bodily harm to Mark, Joe, David and Tom. Doc, I had bad thoughts. I was ashamed." Many of the group nodded at this. "I snapped at my wife, hollered at my dog. Doc, it was awful."
"Mmm" said the doc, stroking his beard.
"Then" continued the group's spokesman "it got worse, much worse. I couldn't eat dinner Wednesday night. My wife boiled two lobsters for me doc, two lobsters! I love lobster but I couldn't touch 'em. Couldn't sleep all night. Is that what's called insomnia doc? So my loving wife said "Come closer, I'll put you to sleep." I knew what she meant doc, but I was er, unable to perform. I kept thinking about my stocks and how far they'd fallen and what was gonna happen the next day. Doc, it was terrible. But the next day both the NASDAQ and the DOW took off! I ate, I slept, I even ejoyed some er, connubial bliss."
"Mmmm" said the doc, stroking his beard some more. "So what do you think it all means?"
"We've bottomed doc! The correction, and for a while there I thought it was the start of a real bear market, is over. Joe Battipaglia was right. Joe is always right. My stocks are gonna go up. Next stop NASDAQ 6,000. I'm gonna make more money. Ah, life is good again."
"Mmm" mumbled the doc. "Does everybody feel the same way?"
Some heads nodded. A few did not.
"So your emotions, appetite, and conjugal desires rise and fall with the market?"
"No doc!" One of the group hollered. "It was just a one time event. It'll never happen again."
"ARE YOU SURE?" asked the doc.
"'Course I'm sure. I just got a little skittish. Next time I'll know. And I'll buy 'em doc, I'll buy 'em."
"You'll buy as you're losing heavily? You won't feel the same? You are human. You have emotions. You feel, you hurt, you get scared. It's quite normal."
"Not for me doc."
"Mmmm" said the doc, stroking his beard and putting his shoe on. "Ok, this session is over." The doc looked at me. "So where's the arrogant chimp today?"
"He thought it best to wait in he car doc, out of respect to you" I lied.
"Good. I don't like that fellow, that Dootlegrunter with the talking parrot. Don't want to see him in here again. Understand?"
"Sure doc. I understand. I understand everything you say. And Doc?"
"Yes"
"A wonderful session you had today. I loved the shoe pounding on the desk. You might consider shoe pounding whenever you get a patient that gives you trouble. Maybe you could even write a whole chapter on it on your new book. You are writing a new book aren't you doc?
"Of course I am. I'm gonna be the next Stephen King. He may be prolific. But I'm terrific."
"You sure are. Thanks doc. See you next week."
Lee Kramer |
