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To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 6:20:00 PM
From: abuelita	Respond to of 35685

Clappy, you sure do know how to make a body feel good after a miserable day. That was the funniest thing I ever read. Thanks. Rose

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 6:22:00 PM
From: Voltaire	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 35685

Hi Clappy, LMAO great post, one of the most entertaining I have seen around this dilapidated place. Volts

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 6:30:00 PM
From: pinhi	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 35685

Outstanding.<eom> Pinhi

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 6:54:00 PM
From: mrs goldberg	Respond to of 35685

Bravo! Bravo!( from the Botanist boys in Italy) More! More! Whistle! Whistle!(lit lighters in the hands of Coonzer and Polviat) <Polvster screams> <Coonz replies> " you've got the lighter upside down, fire end up!"

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 7:01:00 PM
From: elpolvo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 35685

Sorry Clappy!! yer tooooo late!! dealer already awarded the writin' prize of the day to coonzie. ah well... at least it stays in the fambly. :) -polviepop

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 7:29:00 PM
From: Book Bag	Read Replies (4) \| Respond to of 35685

HOW TO SING THE BLUES 1. Most blues begin with "woke up this morning". 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town..." 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Not acceptable: Beemers, hot air balloons. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, as does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues, although they always try. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Queens or Brooklyn. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota: just a depression. The best places to have the blues are still Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can't have the blues in an office or mall: the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the blues: a. the highway (the best: a crossroads) b. the jailhouse c. an empty bed Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. wine tastings d. a weekend in the Hamptons 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you are an old black man. 12. Do you have a right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied e. "the man" doesn't like you No, if: a. you were once blind, but now can see b. you're deaf c. you have an IRA 13. Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbara Streisand (or their fans) can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages: a. wine from a bottle in a sack b. Irish whiskey from a dirty glass c. muddy water (usually not for drinking) Not blues beverages: a. Any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it. b. Any kosher wine c. Yoo Hoo (all flavor) 15. If it occurs in a fleabag hotel or in a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Other blues deaths: being stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, being pushed down an old mine shaft, crying yourself to death. You cannot die a blues death during a tennis match or while getting a liposuction treatment. 16. Some names for blues women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17. Some blues names for men: a. Joe (including "Big", "Old" or "Blind" alone or in any combination, but not "little") b. Willie (Little Willie could work) c. Lightnin' d. almost anything with "howlin' in front of it Other name possibilities include physical infirmities: blind, cripple, wheezin'; fruit names: lemon, lime; names of presidents: Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Chauncey will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 7:37:00 PM
From: Percival 917	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 35685

Outstanding Clappy, SPEECH, SPEECH!!.....You are the genuine article. You missed your calling. You should be an author. You have a great imagination. Thanks for taking us all on one of your "voyages"!! Made my evening. You should write a book chronicling the exploits of the Porch dwellers. You can have a ladies section for all of our fine lasses. Definitely a lollipop kids section. One just for Volts, and a retired Docs section and last but not least you could have a XXX rated section just for JW. That section alone would guarantee best seller. ROTPL, Joel Thanks little lollipop, Joel

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 8:07:00 PM
From: she_x	Respond to of 35685

great post clappy! what an imagination you have. she

To: Clappy who wrote (9730)	3/29/2000 8:33:00 PM
From: Dealer	Respond to of 35685

Clappy! That was great and another keeper. I have a fine file on you. Thanks for all the laughs you have provide me and the porch.....You are too much! I wanta meet you....Hey guys we gotta have a party.......this summer! dealer