Maybe not, I was wrong on Pollard. I just glimpsed the article, didn't see that it was satire. My apologies, again.
U.S. To Release Pollard, Goldfinger, Blofeld In Spy-for-Peace Swap
cnsnews.com
27 October, 1998
By David Burge CNS Satire
Washington, DC - The White House today released additional
details of the historic interim Palestinian - Israeli peace
settlement reached last week in Washington. In one previously
undisclosed clause of the agreement, the United States will
release a raft of convicted espionage agents including former
CIA agent Jonathan Pollard, Auric Goldfinger, Ernst Stavros
Blofeld and Dr. Julius No.
The U.S. will release over 100 spies in the swap, including
Odd Job, Jaws, Emilio Largo, and former KAOS agents Sigfried
and The Claw.
Pollard, 46, is serving a life sentence at a federal prison in
Maryland for passing U.S. espionage secrets to the Israeli
government in 1991.
His cellmate, the Chinese-German Dr. No is serving time for
attempting to control U.S. space launches from a secret
Jamaican island. NASA spokesman Gerald Everson said that No's
interference "set our Moonraker project back several years."
Warden Frank O'Neill said that No has been a "model prisoner."
"Despite a debilitating handicap than forces him to wear
prostheses on his arms, he tirelessly helps out around the
prison," said O'Neill. "We've even outfitted his arms with
power drills, flame throwers and rotary saws. He's quite the
handyman."
The bald, scarred Blofeld, 82, has long been a thorn in the
side of western intelligence. Former head of the shadowy
SPECTRE group, Blofeld was the criminal mastermind behind
several unsuccessful attempts to control the world. He proved
to be an embarrassment to CIA analysts when he was able to
construct, undetected, several elaborate underground hideouts.
From his suite inside the Federal Correctional Institute and
Ski Resort in Aspen, CO, the monocled, Nehru-jacketed Blofeld
said yesterday he was "looking forward to my freedom. We've
got big plans. Very big plans."
"Isn't that right, my precious pussy?" he added, stroking his
ubiquitous angora cat.
The mysterious Swiss Goldfinger, 77, a precious metals
investor and mentor to George Soros, was convicted of the
attempted raid and nuclear destruction of Fort Knox in 1964
using a small army of bikini-clad evil supergirls. He is
currently incarcerated at the Federal Minimum Security
Facility and Racquet Club in Scarsdale, NY.
Like Blofeld, Goldfinger said yesterday he was preparing plans
for an early release. Asked if was expecting $100 and a new
suit, he replied "No Mr. Burge. I expect you to die."
Likud Party spokesman Moshe Givon said that Israeli Prime
Minister Benjamin Netanyahu requested that President Clinton
release Pollard, Goldfinger and Blofeld as a "good-faith
bargaining chip." Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat requested
No be released to PLO in the interest of balance and fairness.
"These are a couple of nice Jewish boys who just got caught up
in a bad world-domination crowd. So what's to punish?" asked
Givon. He appeared somewhat stunned when informed that neither
Blofeld nor Goldfinger was Jewish.
"Oy vey! Gold-, -feld. Who knew?" said a visibly embarrassed
Givon, shrugging.
The White House worked swiftly to diffuse the international
incident. State Department Spokesman Robert Kinsolving
announced late yesterday afternoon that Goldfinger, No, and
Blofeld would be paroled to the Democratic National Committee
in an innovative work release program.
"These men have paid their debt to society," said DNC Chairman
Roy Romer. "Democrats believe society is best served by the
rehabilitation, rather than the punishment of criminals. These
men have enormous international fund-raising skills, and we
expect them to be important part of our effort to take back
the Congress from Republican extremists."
Romer also announced that workmen would soon complete
construction on a new DNC headquarters building. Staffed by a
private army of dedicated, heavily armed Teamsters in
attractive white jumpsuits and hardhats, the new headquarters
will be located inside an inactive volcano in the South
Pacific.
White House spokesman Joe Lockhart further defended the spy
release, noting that "Israeli intelligence has agreed to work
for the release of a number of jailed western agents,
including Matt Helm, Napoleon Solo, Derek Flint and Hymie the
Robot."
The White House also announced that several former female
spies, including Holly Goodhead, Honey Rider and Pussy Galore,
would be released as a reward for cooperating with U.S.
antiterrorism efforts and fully debriefing U.S. intelligence
agencies.
Lockhart said that the voluptuous, scantily clad secret agents
will be assigned to the oval office where they will serve as
"special intelligence liaisons to the president."
According to Lockhart, another group of female espionage
detainees, including Irma Bunt and Rosa Klebb, would be
paroled to the East Wing of the White House. The dour,
matronly Bunt, 63, will be a "special assistant" to the First
Lady, Attorney General Janet Reno and HHS Secretary Donna
Shalala.
Best known for her scowl and poisonous, razor-tipped shoes,
the diminutive former East German agent Klebb, 64, will advise
Mrs. Clinton on feminist issues.
Courtesy of Free Republic
Copyright 1998, David Burge, the IowaHawk
IowaHawk_98@yahoo.com |
