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To: Jacques Chitte who wrote (50994)	5/23/2000 1:15:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Respond to of 71178

Peace-keeping forces in Seattle White Trash Red Cross descends upon city ravaged by yuppies and sensitive ponytail guys NORTHERN WHITE TRASH NEWS SERVICEÿ In the largest domestic relief effort in U.S. history, thousands of White Trash Red Cross volunteers descended upon Seattle today to assist this city in crisis. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ F-150s carrying crates of union-made beer, red meat and steel-toed boots could be seen entering Seattle early this morning. From the trunks of stolen Pontiacs, relief workers handed out case after case of Hostess products to starving children. And hundreds of duck boats lined the harbor, waiting to evacuate the sick and the elderly, who have survived for months on little more than cappuccino and 12-grain muffins.ÿÿÿ The mobilization marks the latest episode in the tragic tale of Seattle. Once a sleepy, northwestern hamlet where decent people drank too much and fished, life here has become increasingly desperate since occupational forces from California invaded more than a decade ago. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ As residents watched in horror, thousands of Sensitive Ponytail Guys descended upon the city, opening designer coffee houses and tofu burger stands. Soon, microbreweries were sprouting up where taverns with dead animals on the walls once stood. It became very difficult to find a decent plate of corned beef hash.ÿ ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ ÿBut Seattle reached its crisis point earlier this week when the City Council banned the sale of Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. The council decreed that only free range fish sticks could be sold in city supermarkets.ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Joey Champaign, commander of the White Trash Red Cross, said the latest move left him no choice but to declare a state of emergency. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ "The whole town's gone fruity," declared Champaign. "We're here to save them innocents, like the kids and the old prunes, before they get brain-washed and start using French words like 'patriarchy' and 'Birkenstocks.' "ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Champaign noted that the Northern White Trash Army was still battling the forces of California on the city's outskirts, but he expected the fighting to be over soon. "They're just chucking bottles of suntan lotion at our guys now. We figure they'll get tired by lunch and run off to get a watercress salad with one of them blackberry vinaigrettes."ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Elsewhere, troops were searching from house to house in the city's tonier neighborhoods, apprehending alternative rock stars with the intent of deporting them to Los Angeles.ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ "How am I supposed to run a decent peacekeeping mission if I got all these guys singing whiney songs about how they got too much money and chicks?" Champaign asked. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ As soon as the enemy is subdued, he said the army will be sent north to Canada to steal donuts, whiskey and beaver hides, which will be brought back to Seattleÿ or maybe sold at a pawn shop. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Meanwhile, relief workers were busy setting up beer tents at elementary schools, handing out complimentary pork chops, pretzels and 40-ouncers of Pabst. In the downtown business district, volunteers gave away tool belts and welding masks to clothe the naked. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Michelle Johnson, an office manager and mother of three, expressed gratitude for the White Trash Red Cross. As Champaign handed her beers from a twelver he carried under his arm, Johnson described the horror of living in Seattle during the past few years.ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ ÿ"It's been awful. All we've had to eat is decaf lattes," she said, pointing to her malnourished children. "Have you ever had a Super Bowl party and all you have to serve is decaf lattes?"ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ Save for those who must return home for appointments with parole officers, Champaign said the Northern White Trash will continue to occupy the city at least until October, unless the beer runs out earlier. ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ "But we gotta get back before hockey season starts. They don't got no hockey here."