OT - I found this to be pretty amusing <VBG>:
WALL STREET--CNBC employees were rolling on the floor with uncontrollable laughter
earlier today when Fed chairman Alan Greenspan and noted Goldman-Sachs investment
strategist Abby Cohen together made a brief announcement that they had played "the
mother of all practical jokes" on the American investment community.
"Gotcha!" said the mischievous Greenspan in the announcement. "We've been setting up this
joke for months now. I kept acting like I was some foolish old guy who didn't understand
the 'new economy.' I kept raising interest rates to supposedly 'slow the economy' down to a
reasonable level, even though the economy is stronger than it has ever been. With the stage
set and investors thinking there was some loony old relic running the Fed, Abby was able to
step in and turn it up a notch. If no one had found out about this, I was going to raise interest
rates over 600 basis points in May to really shake things up. Heh, heh, suckers!"
Cohen chimed in, "Yeah, so anyhow, when Alan had gotten things ripe for me, I came out
and said something that any investment analyst with half a brain would usually see as
ridiculous drivel. I said, heh, heh, that I was taking my money out of the tech sector which is
experiencing unparalleled growth and profits, and funneling it into morbidly slow growing
'old economy' stocks. I was going to go a step further and say that I would take
approximately 50% of my portfolio and place half of that under my mattress and bury the
other half in my backyard, but Alan thought that would be overkill. You have no idea how
hard it was to keep a straight face during that announcement," Cohen stammered out among
a host of giggles. "Man, we really got you guys good. What a bunch of saps!"
Cohen's previous remarks sent investors into a selling panic. The tech-heavy NASDAQ
composite index sunk as low as 34% off it's March highs, with many companies losing from
50-80% of their value in just a few short weeks' time.
"Dude, it was great. Me and Abby played some drinking games on Thursday. We sat down
with a couple of fifths of Jack Daniel's and watched CNBC," said Greenspan amongst
raucous laughter from the CNBC staff. "Every time Ron Ensana said that the Market would
retest it's lows, I took a shot. I blacked out at 1:00 and woke up that night in the bathtub
with all of my clothes on. It was like being an undergrad in college again." Ensana laughingly
remarked, "Ouch, big guy! Looks like I'll be retesting some humble pie tonight."
"Man, you should have seen him," giggled Cohen. "After about noon, whenever Maria
Bartiromo would come on, he would say 'I got a bull market right here in my pants for ya,
Miss Butafuoco.' I haven't laughed so hard since the crash of '87."
"Good one, Alan," Bartiromo added amongst cheers and knee-slapping from the CNBC
staff. "From what Abby tells me, though, it sounds more like you've got a classic dead cat
bounce down there." USA Today poll
Not everyone was laughing, though. When one incensed CNBC technology analyst asked
Greenspan if he was '####### insane' for pulling a prank that cost investors trillions of
dollars, he replied, "Dude, you need to take a chill pill. Ya know, people don't realize what
an incredibly boring job I have as Fed chairman, and Abby'll be the first to tell you that
being an investment strategist is about as exiting as watching paint dry. We just wanted to
shake things up a little bit." Further questions of this sort were answered by Cohen with a
brief "Talk to the hand, chumps."
Online investor and popular 'Yahoo! Finance' message board participant
"Abbie_Hoffman98" said of the elaborate prank, "Holy ####, that is too funny. On Friday
when I lost over a million bucks in three hours, I rashly decided to jump out of my window.
Luckily, in my panic I threw my dog out first. He's OK; it's a first story window."
The practical joke had everybody talking, and even brought a little wisdom to well known
gazillionaire Bill Gates, whose stake in Microsoft lost 29% of it's value during the recent
Market decline. "You know, I never realized before how much money I've got. When it hit
me that last week I personally lost more than 25 Billion dollars, and I'm still stinking filthy
rich, I realized how fleeting monetary wealth can be. I decided to enjoy it while I can with a
little impulse purchase, if for nothing else just to remind myself that money means nothing if
you can't enjoy it." Sources close to Gates say that he has narrowed his choice down to the
purchase of either Exxon or Venezuela, but is leaning towards the South American country.
"How cool would it be to buy it and rename it something wacky like 'Gatesland' or
'Stinkyland'?"
"I can't believe we pulled it off," Greenspan stated shaking his head. "I thought Dinkins had
found us out for sure, but apparently not." (Walter Dinkins is the Washington Post
photographer who snapped the soon-to-be infamous photo of Cohen and Greenspan giving
each other a 'high-five' on the steps of the Fed building after the last Fed rate hike) "You
have no idea how much satisfaction I get out of seeing CNBC with egg on its collective
face," added Greenspan. "They're nice folks, they really are, but they're about as sharp as a
sack of wet mice."
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