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Non-Tech : The Critical Investing Workshop -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Dealer who wrote (20682)	5/29/2000 10:38:00 AM
From: T L Comiskey	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 35685

OK Dealer....Don't go taking this seriously......found it while Wandering About.......My vision is clouded by lack of sleep.........( The damn decaf was NO SUCH THING)....But dont Think its For Real......Endjoy...<g> Tim New York Stock Exchange Calls It Quits New York Stock Exchange Calls It Quits Closes doors after 208 years of operation By Todd Etter (TMF Knave) May 25, 2000 At a press conference today, Richard Grasso, chairman of the New York Stock Exchange, announced that the NYSE will cease all operations after tomorrow's market close. "We're all just really tired," Grasso said. "It's time to move on." According to sources, Grasso handed in his resignation to the NYSE board of directors last week. And when it came time to elect a new chairman, nobody stepped forward. "It became clear that everyone just wanted to end it right then and there," Grasso remarked. The financial implications of this somewhat rash decision are far-reaching. Investors are left scrambling to sell their shares before the exchange closes tomorrow. "We're expecting tomorrow to be pretty hectic," said Grasso. "To simplify matters, we had a market maker price everything at $40 a share. Anyone wishing to sell stock may do so at $40, regardless of the company. This will turn a potential bookkeeping nightmare into a handy timesaver." As of today, there are over 3,025 companies listed on the Big Board, with an aggregate market capitalization of more than $16 trillion. As of tomorrow, there will be none. Sources report that the Nasdaq and AMEX exchanges will shut down soon thereafter, rather than dealing with the mess of listing all the "newly orphaned" companies. "This is devastating," said Richard G. Wagoner, CEO of General Motors. "I'm really worried about what will happen to our stock. The common sense thing to do is just hold until we get relisted somewhere. But just between you and me, I'm selling everything tomorrow at $40." Market strategist Elaine Garzarelli, the woman who predicted the "Crash of 1987," commented, "I knew something like this would happen. For the past several years, I've been saying it, but nobody would listen. Well, I was right! Right, I tell you! Mwah ha ha haa!" Financial service companies have spent most of today quickly trying to assemble new business models as the close of the NYSE could potentially put them out of operation. Merrill Lynch plans to become a used car dealership, while E*Trade will no longer offer trading but will continue to produce funny commercials. The Motley Fool will be launching a movie forum called "Follywood." After a six-month remodeling, the New York Stock Exchange building will become a financially themed restaurant called The New York Food Exchange with plans to open 200 restaurants by year's end. Fortune and Forbes are planning to offer Nintendo cheat codes, while Smart Money magazine has merged with Tiger Beat magazine and will now be offering monthly features such as "The 10 Hottest CEOs" and "N Sync: When Will the Bubble Burst?" CNBC must also rapidly change their programming. The popular show Squawk Box will become a more traditional morning show, presenting book reviews and makeovers. A spokesman for CNBC said, "This is actually good for us. We were already planning to scale back on all the financial hooey-gooey and bring back Charles Grodin. He's great. Have you seen Beethoven?" After tomorrow's close, any remaining publicly held shares will be virtually worthless, as the likely global sell-off will bring about the collapse of the American economy and possibly capitalism. "To make up for it, we're going to turn the outstanding stock certificates into a fun collectible card game," said Grasso. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------