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Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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One-liners
BY Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I lost a button hole.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer and took the keys out. Then I went out on the highway and told everyone to get the hell off my driveway.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [points to the steering wheel]? This steers it."
Every so often I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Whe I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
A child's mind is a terrible thing not to mess with!
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries.... but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and it went back in time.
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog.... now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, it says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" It took me all summer to fold it.
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2 inches taller.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When the neighborhood kids were out playing, I lifted it up. Then I said, "Don't play in my yard."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Sponges grow in the ocean ... That *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The judge asked : "What do you plead?" I said "insanity your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting slinkys on the escalator.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's ok, I'm not going that far."
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes She has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match... They're the same thinckness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes."
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birhday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat swish cheese from the inside out.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They answered and went "Aaaaahhhhhh..."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every moorning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
You know how it is when you decid eto lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "Compact Cars".
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my hear on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading.... and all the sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems. . . eventually.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I each swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. when I got home the front door wouldn't open.
.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors and the walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobdy laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said, "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why and it told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars, but had to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a garage sale and asked "how much for the garage." "it's not for sale" So I left.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't barrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The head waiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll ever use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship going the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" he said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded!"
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice undil I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top, and you think there is one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot and the horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Doin' a little work around the house. Putting hardwood floors over wall-to-wall carpeting.
I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one that knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it, it feels real."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there and Hunters would be all confused
I wrote a few children's books.... no on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anyone. |
