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Pastimes : Let's Talk About Our Feelings!!! -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Frederick Smart who wrote (85619)	8/17/2000 12:11:17 PM
From: epicure	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 108807

Who is telling their kids NO? I am teaching empathy by example to mine, as is Rambi. There you GO again Frederick with your ASSumptions. YOU were saying children would LEAD us. Teaching them, whether by example or otherwise is not allowing them to lead, it is training them to follow a good example. You are now contradicting yourself. Why am I not surprised?

To: Frederick Smart who wrote (85619)	8/17/2000 1:06:49 PM
From: Rambi	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 108807

It's natural to respond this way. Whenever we come across something that doesn't "fit" our understanding the easiest thing to do is invert and conclude the negative. On the contrary, YOU are the one who set up the inversion by implying that parenting was controlling and that we should follow our children rather than leading. I would never have made such a mutually exclusive statement. Your ideas are not new-- nothing is ever new. There have been parents and educators who have experimented with these types of theories in the past- the 70s were filled with them. They had-- as all theories do- varying results. As does any type of parenting "theory". You did say one wise thing, Frederick, though you didn't seem to grasp the absolute importance of it. Parenting is loving. Good parents, whatever their techniques, LOVE. And this quality can overcome any amount of ill-conceived theories- be they yours or mine. (And mine is that parents are in charge for good reason.) Newsflash. You are not a kid. You are a parent. You are in charge of not only your own, but your children's lives. This does not mean you are not fun, or that you can't share energy and laughter. You WILL have to say no. You WILL have to discipline, which by the way is not just you setting an example: for example, by coming in on time. It means that when they don't, there are consequences. And they won't like them. You are NOT their best friend. They do NOT know best. IN fact, as they grow older, their ability to show good judgment often seems to decrease. There are studies about the differences in teenage brains and adult brains-- real actual "hey-they just don't THINK the same" types of differences. Of COURSE you look through their eyes; that is just what any compassionate person does in relating to anyone. My guess is you behave far more like a parent than you are willing to admit in your dogmatic, black-white presentation here. If not, you are likely to do great harm to your children because what you describe sounds completely self-indulgent. Don't leave the authority part of parenting only to your wife; they need a father, too, as well as a playmate. I am just glad that my own husband understood the necessity of not just playing and laughing with our sons, but of being a figure they knew was the head of our family--Lovingly, caringly, empathetically, but very definitely, the parent.