TD,
Looks like you left the hamptons a week early. Your gonna miss the big party, whitey:
posted Thu Aug 24, 2000
Satire by Rick Murphy: Getting Down with Hamptonite Puff Daddy
Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs will be allowed to host his Labor Day party after all. The East Hampton Town Board, which had earlier denied a permit, relented in the face of legal pressure from Mr. Combs’s attorneys.
Last year, neighbors complained the party, with its loud music and hundreds of guests, violated several town ordinances, including "a congregation of more than 18 Negroes at a place other than a Huntington Crossway street corner." Mr. Combs, through his legal team, argued that there were a sufficient number of upstanding white people, including Martha Stewart and Donald Trump. "Martha is about as white as you can get, " the Rapper commented.
Combs, contacted at an elocution class hosted by LTV’s Henry Haeney, was ecstatic the gig would go on as scheduled. "I am extremely grateful to the board for superimposing the genetic matters of this jurisprudence," he said. "I feel the multitudes of the generalities precluded any judgmental ramifications hovering over the atmosphere."
In addition to the noise level generated from a live band, last year’s shinding was marred by hundreds of onlookers whose parked cars disrupted the entire Northwest neighborhood near Combs’s Hedges Bank Drive house. His next door neighbor, Debra Lobotomy, who is an attorney, threatened legal action if there were a repeat performance this year. Combs dismissed her threats, however. "I’ll bitch slap that ho myself," he said.
Combs said he had written a song about last year’s incident entitled "Whitey Won’t Let Us Be." He quoted the lyrics at a hastily convened press conference last night.
"Townies don’t wanna nigga to get high
Tell him what to do in his own place
Take my gun out let the bullets fly
Aimin’ at the honkey’s pimple face"
He said the poem came to him while visiting the family of his lover, Jennifer Lopez. "They are marvelous people, even though they are Ricans. There was so much love in their living room the words poured out of me."
According to Jo Yo Crack Pipe, a spokesman from one of Puff Daddy’s entertainment companies, Very Bad Boy records, the guest list for this years’ party is brimming with big names. "The Marsalis Brothers, Veal and Chicken, will be there. Forget Tupac, we got Six Pac and Twelve Pac, his uncles." Russell Simmons, who has become famous despite the fact that he apparently has no job, no talent, no business, and no friends, will also be at the gala.
Other rappers expected to attend were The Notorious Big Dipper, Dirty Old Smelly Heiney, Iced Tea with Lemon, Busta Sophomoric Rhymes, Dr. Dre, Dr. Do Re Me, de La Soul, De la Ice, The Notorious Ice Big, Busta Big Ice, Dr. Big Crack, and Dirty Old Smelly Notorious Big Busta.
A spokesman for Ms. Stewart said it was too early to say if she would attend. "Martha is on record as loving to party down with the brothers at Puffy’s crib," the spokesman said. "But she is designing a new product, anklet socks for ladies with big bunions, and it is consuming much of her time."
Ms. Lopez, a major media attraction, will undoubtedly be there, fueling fears of a media circus. Ms. Lobotomy maintains that if Ms. Lopez attends there will be no room for cars to traverse Hedges Banks Drive "because her big butt takes up 3 spaces." Lopez’s fat rear is also the subject of the new single off Puff Daddy's latest. "It's a love song, because her beauty inspires me," the writer/rapper/entrerprenuer/thug said. The song he wrote is called "Big Bootie for Puffy."
"I love her big black bottom
I really love to rub her buns
A cop looked so I shot him
Killed honky whitey with my guns"
Rumors swirled that money was passed to town board members in exchange for their votes. "I resent that," said Supervisor Jay Spiderman. "It’s not about Puffy’s money. To me it’s a chance to rub shoulders with cool people. You have to remember, I’ve been a dork all my life."
Town Councilman Pete Hammerhead said as far as he was concerned the matter was closed. "Hey, you wanna take a ride in my new Jaguar?" he asked.
Speculation centered on what live act would appear at the gig. One source said James Brown, the so-called King of Soul, would attend. Brown himself drew the ire of local women’s groups when he appeared in Montauk 5 years ago. They objected to his history of domestic violence. The source said Brown was slated to appear nonetheless, and would likely perform his new hit, "Papa’s Got a Brand New Punching Bag."
NotsureifMr.PinkcangetmeintothatbashNeiderhoffer |
