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To: HG who wrote (6195)	9/25/2000 8:40:22 PM
From: HG	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 13018

Reflection This afternoon I dusted my table arranging everything in order In a desperate attempt to get hold of myself Later I watched My 21 years swim effortlessly ashore In a cup of tea However there is no end To the deceptions I have practiced on myself I have lived off friends Told the usual lies And not batted an eyelid I have almost burnt my diaries For fear they'd close in on me I have even kept letters unopened for days A motherless girl losing my father in cradle I had no time to waste On the visiting dreams I was a grown up during my teens Grew old in my practical day dreams And became my grandfathers Wisely solving the mysteries and miseries of life I don't have to complete anything Now I spend most of my days Snuggled up on a rug Once in a while I look up at the ceiling Follow the cracks and grooves As though it was a private tour And imagine my footprints As a slap on the face of God. ======================================== For VJ - God Bless his heart Sulky, I'd thought you at first And cynical But when you laugh Your face changes more than anyone's And becomes gay and young As a laughing boy's in an Italian painting Yet you've always seemed human and no more Even after knowing your force Mental power (Its perhaps more formidable than you've yet shown) You.... So much like my ideal So much like him ! WHen you talk, I think not of you No But what you say, Of war, pictures, poems, plays, history, suffering.... and more Through your words I see an immense half lit screen of human struggles With a streak of light thrown in over a shoulder Or a leg doubled up in an agony of thrusting efforts But you remain, (Even though rationally I know you are in every way stronger than I) Of the same material as myself Giving expressions to the unexpressed Words to my beliefs In the last few hours I've been happy And effective I'd wasted so much strength in self doubt You stand for the things I've always wanted But never been able to express Our working & living together makes sense We'd add up and help each other Occasionally the relationship seems as good and necessary as bread But then, thats only occasionally Mostly, its those fears undefined - You're right, I'm terrified...! I write coz I'm so full So full that I must tell somebody And whats better than you ? Tell while its still fresh I feel aware of a certain clearness Brightness About the experience as if It had neither been a social research Nor the days of holidays, But some kind of a finely produced play in which I had the speaking part Assumptions...??? Oh at least you have the pain ! I am numb... I have often tried to localise the pain, like you Why is there a shadow of two... Hers as it always had been.. And you ? =============================== Student Life Every morning i sit at my table Fiddle around with my books Pencils, papers, rulers In an effort to recapture My lessons A sequece of daydreaming begins This happens every morning And I relive with the kings and queens and villains of childhood As the evening starts to fall I realise I haven't been studying at all Guilt, misgivings, promises follow Of a better tomorrow And I surrender to the blessed sleep This keeps happening Every morning ============================== Emotion Words and gestures A superfluous exaggeration As the longing within you dies For want of recognition You can't give it a proper burial FOr the graveyard is full of Dead longings... ==============================