To: greenspirit who wrote (46887 ) 10/15/2000 11:53:36 PM From: ms.smartest.person Respond to of 769667 Wake me when it's over Australian BRW | Personal Investor brw.com.au By Peter Ruehl What with the Olympics and all, the American presidential election has crept up on us. I had been hoping that the first part of the campaign would just be a dream and the real candidates would be John Lee Hooker and Woody Allen. Whoops, I just checked and it's still between Atomic Al and the Texas Teabag. I know it's chic to say this every four years, but what did we do to deserve these two? (And before you get too cute about stateside politics, look at what you are going to be dealing with next year.) Photo: Joe Traver/REUTERS Vote One: At least some people can enjoy an election campaign Al wouldn't be a presidential candidate if he hadn't been vice-president, and the only reason he's VP is because back in 1992 he was the only Democrat with the slightest idea of what Bill Clinton was talking about. And Dubya? If his old man hadn't been president, he would still be wildcatting for oil and coming up with bad debts and empty tequila bottles. With the help of dad's old-boy network and a twinkie Democratic opponent he became a governor. It's not that there's anything terribly wrong with either of these turkeys. The problem is, they have spent so much energy making sure there's nothing terribly wrong. This isn't so much a political campaign as damage control on mule tranquillisers. Did you catch any of that first debate? Al covered himself in enough statistics to choke Windows 98 and Dubya was trying to match him in order to prove he hasn't spent the better part of his life doing sit-ups under parked cars, which is the image Republicans are concerned about. Over on the Democratic side, they are still worried that Al hasn't ditched the stiff image, and after some intensive coaching he still looks like the Pope after two martinis. On the issues, Al likes the environment more than anybody in the world, partly because he occasionally gets mistaken for a tree. He wants to handle the budget surplus responsibly by paying off the federal debt and putting Medicare in a 'lockbox'. Bush has to deal with the image that he has no image. He's kind of like John Howard without the charisma. On the issues, he favors a stronger American military, which he would be extremely careful about using because taxpayers would object, plus nobody likes us anyway. He wants to handle the budget surplus responsibly by giving out big tax cuts and thinks a lockbox is where you keep your ZZ Top CDs. Out of all this, you've got two candidates who have been running evenly in the polls. At first glance, you may say, no wonder, they are both trying to ... well, run evenly in the polls. But the advantage should be Gore's, given the good economy, lack of military involvement anyplace and no sign of another comeback tour by the Eagles. Unfortunately, Al will always look like he should have a 'serving suggestion' sign hung around his neck because nobody is sure what to do with him. Bush is there because, a year or so ago, the Republican leadership realised they didn't have any. He was governor of the second largest state in the country and hadn't screwed anything up, partly because the system in Texas doesn't allow it, but also because he lacks the creativity. You could say that maybe Bush should have the advantage because of the Clinton impeachment trial, but as they say in southern Maryland, 'That dog won't hunt'. Al, meanwhile, has made sure of distancing himself from Bubba. Actually, it's all kind of fun, watching a couple of baby boomers fighting over a job.