friday's funnies...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had covertly funded a project with
the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel
drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the
last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, dear God!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of
the final words were,
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
this one is for speedy...
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around
town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and
told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like
to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need
in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been
listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way
around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her
husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm
all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so
I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie:
"That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Top 10 Blonde Inventions...
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9)Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
Men Are Like...
Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Coolers Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Copiers You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Curling irons They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Government Bonds They take so long to mature.
and finally...
Someting Exciting...
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report or why the dot was exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
have good weekend...
pops |
