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To: Road Walker who wrote (117844)	11/15/2000 4:30:10 PM
From: Amy J	Respond to of 186894

OT Hi John and Thread, I have just enough time to post this - sorry if it's already been posted: NEWS FLASH: Florida to be removed from US -- WASHINGTON D.C. Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America. The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this." Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot". In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause. From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected Senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole. PS This is a joke! Here's one more: FW: It's official > NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE > > To the citizens of the United States of America, > > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II > will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other > territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. > > Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of > you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your > borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for > further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A > questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of > you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the > following rules are introduced with immediate effect:- > > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. > Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be > amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you > should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". > Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such > as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > communication. Look up "interspersed". > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on > your behalf. > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. > It really isn't that hard. > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the > good guys. > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The > Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you > to get confused and give up half way through. > > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind > of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good > game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your > borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You > will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper > football. It > is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed > to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not > involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar > body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US > rugby sevens side by 2005. > > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if > they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there > is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The > Russians have never been the bad guys. > > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive > Day". > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we > mean. > > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > Thank you for your co-operation.