A Flip of the Coin -- and my campaign platform
Recent events have made it evident that our system of electing a President is in disarray. In New Mexico, if the vote is determined to be a tie, the winner will be determined by a coin toss. The vote in Florida is so close that, as one person said last night on TV, it effectively is a tie. Since it has come to this, why not just flip a coin?
Why stop there? We could determine all future Presidential elections by a coin flip. Each person would be eligible. By my reckoning, if we start with say, 100 million people who might want to run the country, and each of us flipped a coin against someone else, and the winners flipped against each other, and so on until a winner is determined, we could select a winner in something fewer than 30 coin flips.
There is a lot to be said for luck. I, for one, believe that the President should be the luckiest person in the country. Having the country run by someone of great luck could only benefit us.
Until now, I had never considered myself to be a serious candidate for President, but if we can agree to decide future votes by a coin flip, I have a good chance of getting in.
Thus, I feel compelled to state my platform. While reading this, it is important to consider that I am not legally insane; rather, that my world view has been heavily influenced by such productions as "The Groove Tube," "The Blues Brothers," and "Seinfeldt."
Here then is what I will do when I become President.
Personal Freedoms Given
1. I will eliminate the capital gains tax.
2. Marijuana and other hallucinogens will become legal.
3. Prostitution will become legal.
4. Gambling will become legal.
5. It will be legal to walk around in public naked, partially because I'm curious as to how many people will actually choose to do so, partially because I just think it would be "interesting." Recognizing that stark naked people will offend the sensibilities of the many prudes in this country, women would be required to wear thigh-high stockings and heels unless they are on the beach.
6. Advertising -- It will be legal to advertise anything that is not illegal.
Personal Freedoms Taken Away
Lest I be accused of being a Libertarian, I will eliminate some freedoms. Some of these items proposed below are driving-related. So what? We spend most of our time in traffic -- such issues need to be addressed. Most of these will irritate rednecks, but that's okay. Generally speaking, if a redneck likes it, it probably isn't a good idea anyway.
1. Bumpers will have to be of near-uniform height. We'll leave it to the engineers to determine the appropriate height, but my goal is to eliminate the horrific accidents caused by pickup truck bumpers that are higher than the hood of a normal car.
2. It will be illegal to teach creationism in public schools unless voodoo also is taught. This only seems fair, and is in the spirit of the new "Mardi Gras" holiday (see Holidays and Other Fun Days below).
3. It will be illegal to cut me off in traffic, or to drive 10 mph faster or slower than me when I am on the road. This is because anyone who cuts me off or drives faster or slower than me is, by definition, an idiot.
4. No cowboy hats in movie theaters.
5. Severe penalties for creating or knowingly distributing computer viruses. I've been hit with five computer viruses, and I'm sick of it. I'm thinking creating or distributing them deserves something like 10 years in prison.
6. It will be illegal to cut down a redwood tree.
7. Campaign finance reform. Only individual donations in amounts of $1000 or less will be allowed. No PACs will be allowed. Organizations such as Unions, religious groups, PACs will not be allowed to contribute to campaigns. Period. If every election is done by coin toss, this legislation will not be necessary.
8. It will be illegal to produce a passenger vehicle that gets less than 20 miles to the gallon in the city.
9. Advertising -- annoying songs like the old "Wrigley Spearment Gum" song will not be allowed.
Holidays and Other Fun Days
Everybody loves holidays. Think about it. We talk about what we will be doing on the next holiday for weeks in advance of it. However, our lawmakers have paid scant attention to these most important days, which are in need of revision. Here is what I will do.
1. Eliminate Presidents' Day. After Watergate, Iran Contra, and the numerous scandals of the most recent administration, they don't deserve a day in their honor. However, we do need a day off at that time of year. President's day will be replaced with Mardi Gras, in recognition of the fact that I love the seedy little bars on Bourbon street and the fact that we need a Tuesday off. This also makes a lot of sense because it happens at about the same time of year.
2. Eliminate secretaries' day and bosses day. These are stupid days that place undue stress on the participants. Everybody has to waste time shopping around for the appropriate gift, not too cheap, not too expensive, and often for someone we can't stand.
3. To make up for losing secretaries day and bosses day, we are going to place more emphasis on Halloween. Additionally, we will have "Rocky Horror" day. This should make the Riff Raff among the thread happy.
4. Replace Christmas with "Belief Day," a floating holiday to be taken by anyone who wants to take it, whenever they want to take it. Most people will take it on Christmas, but this will be fairer to those with other religious beliefs, is in keeping with the idea of separation of church and state, and will have the side benefit of relieving some of the congestion at airports at that time of the year. I despise getting on an airplane around Christmas. It's almost impossible to find a space for your carry-on bag, and the planes are full of screaming kids.
Controversial Items
1. Capital punishment. No, no, NO! We are going to stop killing people with my tax dollars.
2. Abortion. I have mixed feelings on this, and it is none of my business anyway since I'm a guy. We are going to let women decide what to do about abortion by having them vote on it. In exchange for giving up their right to vote on this issue, men will be given complete control over the television remote, which they effectively have anyway, but at least we can put it into law and stop arguing about it. Then around my house I can say "honey, I'd love to give you the remote, but it's against the law."
3. Social Security. I will privatize Social Security.
4. Health care for everyone, using existing HMOs and PPOs. People not enrolled may enroll if they pay 1/4 of the cost of the premium. The portion of the payment paid by the enrollee will be tax deductible.
Taxation
I've already mentioned eliminating the capital gains tax. I also will eliminate taxes on Starbucks Ice Cream. I will search for other possible tax cuts, but I will impose the following new taxes.
1. I am going to tax hallucinogenic drugs, prostitution, and gambling, which will be legal.
2. There will be a gasoline tax added to fund automotive insurance. Thus, there will be no such thing as an "uninsured motorist," and people will pay more taxes if they drive more and less taxes if they drive less. Also, the smaller vehicles, which are less likely to cause property damage, will be taxed less because of their superior gas mileage. This will have the additional benefit of putting many of the robber-baron insurance companies out of business, and will result in a more efficient overall system. I believe they do this in Australia, or somewhere in that part of the world. No sense arguing with me -- I'm the President, and that's what I'm going to do.
I do not ask for your support. Indeed, I do not need it, because becoming President in this country is a matter of luck.
I'm jingling the change in my pockets to find the best coin for my campaign. If you want me as your President, don't send money, don't put up signs, don't call radio talk shows -- just wish me luck.
INTCfan
The Mardi Gras Party |
